Wednesday, July 5, 2017

To the Child that's Like Me

I looked into your hazel eyes that were turning greener by the minute as they pooled with tears and as I looked into eyes so like own I saw the reflection of me past the similiar eyes down to the similar emotions that always opened the floodgates.

So just as I've done since that first night we both cried all night in that hospital room alone together I just squeezed you tight. I get you, girl. At six years old now sometimes I think you are the only one that really gets me. Even when those are tears of anger in your eyes possibly even directed at me I get it. I know what it's like to feel like the difficult and misunderstood one. I know what it's like to be in your own little world- where your creative, overactive mind wonders and checks out- but others criticize you for not paying attention. I know what it's like to be cautious and over think things way too much rather than just doing them while others roll their eyes at you just being "you" they say. I know what it's like to speak your mind and stand your ground even if it's only about a cookie right now at six but people try to make you feel like having a mind of your own is a bad thing rather than a good thing.  I know how it is like to be the one always out of line, marching to a beat of her own drum, and though sometimes I will catch myself as the one trying to shove you back in line, I will tell you now at six, don't let me or anyone else shove you back into line or a box you don't want to fit into because that's what we want for you. You keep marching to the beat of your own drum, my girl, and it's okay to stand outside the boxes everyone wants to shove you into. You don't have to do things like everyone else or change who you are to fit their ideals, yet to stick to being true to yourself is one of the hardest things at times. However, there will be many that love you for being the girl that always stands out of line, content to do things in her own way in her own time.

At six years old you're so happy to be like me, but some nights like tonight I lay here and wonder will you still feel that way at 13? At 21? When you're a mom? Because besides a few that I feel really see my flaws as the same quirks that lead to my potential, you're one of the few that sees right past them to me to really see how the flaws just lead to the imperfect me I'm meant to be. Despite all the ways I screw up and let the difficulties that are me show throughout the day you love me the same at the end of everyday. I see me in so many things about you, and I want you to always love that like you do now. There are good things that result from our often criticized flaws. I don't want others criticism or frustration that you're being difficult to overshadow your love for yourself. Even though at times you and I may butt heads I hope I'm always the first one you run to when the emotions I know all too well will start those flood of tears. And little girl, I know all too well about hiding tears when others hurt your feelings for constantly calling out your quirks like they re all "fatal flaws", but don't let it turn into a resentful anger that I have been guilty of letting it do.

You have the biggest loving heart I've ever seen, kid. People will always love you- new friends and old ones. People like us are never without enough people to love us, but I'm not sure how many people actually understand us.  We  love so hard and fiercely but because of that you'll get hurt easily. I don't know if you'll master the stone mask of seemingly like you're hard and uncaring where you use anger and sarcasm to hide your true feelings. I hope you don't get like me where you let your  anger sit at the top of your emotional volcano because letting anger out seems safer than dealing with all the other emotions overly sensitive and deep thinkers like us carry.

I pray this bond between us lasts the challenges we will face ahead as you grow. You have loved me for me in such a way that I've never been loved or understood and I just hope I can do that for you. I can't let you eat five cookies for dinner or stay up all night but you being difficult whether it's speaking up or always lagging behind because you're deep in your own world or talking my ear off way past bedtime because your mind is on some deep philosophical thought that is way too much thinking for a six year old just remember, kid, I get you. I get it all. I get the frustration of people' s criticism, I get the frustration of your own mind overthinking too many things, I get the frustration of controlling your emotions and feeling like you need to hide them, I get the need to ramble the constant flow of thought out your head, I get the doubt that lurks because all of that makes us think we're not good enough. But, please, baby girl, know that you're always enough just the way you are. If you doubt it for a second you just keep coming to your momma because I get you, baby girl.

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