Saturday, September 1, 2012

A mother's worst fear

As a mother there is no doubt that we all share the same worst fear. And that fear is something happening to our child(ren). Earlier this week there was a school shooting in one of the other high schools in our district. Not too long ago, we all listened in horror to the details of the Batman shooting rampage in Colorado. I also learned of a classmate who passed away recently, just a few years after his younger brother. Once you've become a mother, none of these deaths, even though you may not even know the child, goes unnoticed.

News of these incidents strike horror into your heart and the first person you think of is that poor child's mother. And father because I know without a doubt my husband, the father of my children, would be just as devasted as I would be. And I will continue to think about them often. A friend's 10 year old cousin died from a brain tumor years ago, and I still think of that little girl and her parents often. The weekend I was going to get married, the younger sister of a girl I knew years before, drowned in a flash flood. And there are many more I remember. Both mine and Nate's grandparents have had to experience the loss of a child  that died in their early 40s, as well as my friend whose mother has lost two of her children already, and even though they're not 10 or 16, their deaths are still heartbreaking and just as hard to bear. A mother still lost her child.

These stories haunt me and in a lot of ways even though I may not have known some of them personally I think they will forever because as a mother now it is my very worst fear that I will experience the unbearable pain they've had to and will continue to  experience. And the awful thing is every time you hear one of these horrible stories, you're heartbroken yes but thankful it's not you and praying  that for whatever reason you are spared from having to experience the most devasting experience imaginable.

I am a firm believer in God, but it doesn't change that I don't understand. Why are some given so much heartache and others spared? I believe we continue to live on once we have left our earthly bodies, and that those that have passed have gone on to a better place, but even the reassurance of that doesn't lessen my fear. And I thank Him every day for my family and the incredible blessings in my life and pray that He keeps my children safe and healthy. And not only do I fear such a horrible event in my life but I fear what it would do to my relationship to Him. I wouldn't doubt his existence but I don't know if I'd ever get past the anger of why.

So what do we do? Do we hide our children? Do we never let them leave home? We can't put them in a bubble. It's a scary world out there. I tell myself to trust in God, have faith in the good of humanity, and raise my children to have faith and make smart choices to avoid situations that put them in harm's way. But the darkness of the world always lurks there in the background.

My heart aches for all those parents out there that have had to experience such devastion. I hope you have found peace. I learned long ago, at the age of twelve to be exact, when I saw a parent, a brother, a sister, a daughter and son, wife, lose their son, brother, father, and husband, that nothing is guaranteed to us in this life. And to tell the people you love that you love them,and make the most of every moment because no matter how long the people we love are here for it's always too short.  God bless.

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