Tuesday, January 23, 2018

No More

The first month of the new year is almost over and I haven't written once. I've thought of things to write and then I've decided instead to work on our photo albums or binge watch Netflix.  There's a part of me that's missed writing and a part that's enjoyed the break. There's a part of me that feels unproductive and lazy with all my Netflix watching of the past month, but a part of me that enjoys the peace of escaping into entertainment rather than tackling my list from morning to bedtime.

As I watch my daughter so bent on doing so much- sports, clubs, being a part of every showcase event at school- I'm torn between praising her ambition and warning her of the consumption of chasing more.

Yes, I have a list of accomplishments and all that I do and all that I am that I could easily and too often love to recite, but this is also why I think girls and women like me are consumed with anxiety and stress and overwhelmed. We are entrapped by the idea of more- we feel we always need to be more, reach for more, do more, give more, accomplish more. More, more, more, and more and here I am kind of tired of more.

Maybe the stress and the anxiety will stop if I quit focusing on more. And that includes the more that everyone else thinks I need to give. Because sadly in some situations- life, work, family, friends- no matter how much we give it always seems like there's someone wanting more from us.

So maybe to some I'm seen as quitting or being lazy or maybe finally smarter, but I think 2018 needs to be the year of less for me. Maybe when you look at it as do less, be less, accomplish less it does sound pretty unambitious, but I'd rather look at it as why do I need this idea of more. Why is everything here and now not enough? Do I really need more, do I really need to be more, do I really need to constantly be reaching for more because isn't right here, right now with who I am and what I've done enough. Isn't it good enough?

I'm 36 years old and I like to think I've lived a fairly accomplished life up to this point. I don't say that to be boastful; I say it because no matter what's on each of our lists of who we are and what we've done we all owe it to ourselves to say "you know what I'm pretty proud of who I am, what I've done up to this point in my life, and  if this is all there ever was this is enough. I am enough."

Just standing in the middle of where we are, wherever that may be for each of us is more than enough. I think I just want to stand here in the land of more than enough for 2018. That doesn't mean I'm going to watch Netflix all day every day. But I'm consciously choosing not to make any specific goals of more: more pounds to lose, more writing to get published, more trips to any particular place(s), more home improvements or cleaning projects (though I really do want to change the girls room), more extracurricular and involvement at work. I'm just going to do what I feel like doing when I feel like it and no push for more or even anymore if I don't want to.   If I feel like going for a run I'll go, if I want to pursue more publications I will, I'm definitely going to still go travel to more places I haven't been but maybe even making the time we spend traveling less rather more.  But whatever I do choose to do however I choose to do it  though I'll do because I want to in the moment; not because it's more I have to tackle off some ambition list or because something or someone convinces me I must pursue more. So my 2018 resolution isn't for more of anything but less of it all because here and now with what I got and where I am is more than enough.

                 Why is there a need for more when this is the view of my life from the inside looking out.