Wednesday, April 26, 2017

Write a New Chapter or Write a New Story

If  you follow us on our little life journey lately you know we've been looking at making some rather big changes- moving out of state and/or making a complete career change. However, those are not easy changes to tackle. As anxious or excited as some may be for us to just do it or others may think "quit talking about and just do it" there's a long list of things to consider and I need this space to get my thoughts around it all. If you want to brave my tangled thinking with change on the horizon ahead read on; if not see you next time.

We've invested twelve years into our careers and life here in Maryland so leaving it behind is not something we take lightly. But big changes are coming either way, but at this moment it's more of a question are we going to write a new chapter or are we going to write a whole new story??

The current situation is this: I am working at a school that on a good day I spend two hours of my day commuting or on a bad day it's more like two and a half hours. When I took this job I said it would be a three to five year thing depending on my personal job satisfaction with a new school change and my tolerance for the commute in heavy Baltimore traffic. I am wrapping up year three now, and whereas last year was probably one of my most personally satisfied years with the job this year was not so much. Apparently I was not alone though. It didn't matter if I was talking to other teachers in my school, in my school district, in my state, or in this country-teachers everywhere it seems had one of their worst years to date. I'm not going to get into all wrongs of education right now, but the point is I don't know if I can give this profession another seventeen years of my life to make it to thirty years.

The situation for my husband is after putting in countless evening hours and weekends over the course of two and a half years he got his Masters degree in 2014 to become certified as an educational administrator. The school he was working in at the time was not going to give him any opportunity or support in pursuing that goal so a year later in 2015 he left that school and joined me on the 2-3 daily commute. However, he gained an amazing boss and administrator that has been completely supportive of his goals to become an administrator. She gave him the job of Title I coordinator these past two years and has spoke highly of him to others in his pursuit to gain an administrator position. A year later in 2016 he was accepted into the administrator pool a year ago; however, they school system overflooded the pool with  hundreds of people when there were barely any openings for last school year. He returned to his similar position this past year which he enjoys very much, but the concerns with that as we've learned this year is there is little stability in it from year to year. Because it is Title I funded he has faced the possible threats of his position being cut altogether or having his hours/pay reduced. On top of that his administrator is looking at retiring in the next few years so to lose her as support and a mentor could be a huge drawback in his own movement forward. We have also figured out over time, though he is willing to look at schools outside our district the problem we've found is they will not accept someone from a "teacher" position to an "administrator" position so his option is to hope he finally gets an AP position in our school district that has 100s of applicants for dozens of openings or go backwards to a teacher position in another school system and take years to jump through their political loopholes.

So here's the current deal. He's in this administrator pool until the beginning of the 2018-2019 school year. He's worked really hard over the course of years to hopefully finally get an opportunity to be an educational leader as a principal. We don't want to throw all that away yet, especially when he has two more hiring seasons (this spring/summer and next year's) to get a position. As for me, I feel my plans are somewhat based on what happens with him, but I have an interview scheduled in May for what I call my dream teaching situation- to teach in the community in which I live. Not only would I gain about two hours back to my day, but I have never experienced living and working in the same community and with my kids getting into school I would love to have this experience. If I could have that opportunity and experience but still decide I want to leave before thirty years I feel I could do it without looking back at that point. It's the same for Nate. If he could experience the position he's put all this work into the past few years and still decides to leave before the clock strikes thirty years I think he can do it with a clearer conscience.

Our current hope is this- that we get to write at least this one last chapter to the A & N Maryland story. Our plan A is he would get an AP position with a better commute for next school year and I would get into the school district-hopefully a school even in the town where we live-for next school year even though mine comes with a pretty decent pay cut. Then we would each get to experience our ideal educational job before making our final decision on whether to stick with it to the thirty year mark or cut out early.

Plan B would be if he gets an administrator job and likes it enough that he thinks he'll stick with it past the next two years and I am still in the same school district where I've spent the past eleven years then I  would look into going back to school to get my library media certification to become a school librarian. Or I may see if there's a way to get my school counseling certification which might be easier since my masters was originally for school counseling. Even if Plan A works out and I get into the school district/school here where we live, if my husband decides he is interested in staying in education for the long haul and pursuing his Adm I to become a principal of his own school I would possibly still look at getting an out of the classroom certification. There's still that possible Plan B option 2 where I would maybe make a complete career change and look into the certification classes that I was talking about for lactation consultant/doula/childbirth educator/maternal health counselor, but if I have to take courses again as a working mom I'd probably stick with the education out of the classroom path for the reasons of the better fitting schedule with my kids and earlier retirement that comes with that choice.

Then there is Plan C. Whereas Plan A and Plan B just write a new chapter to the A & N Maryland story, plan C is to write a whole new story. I have to tell you I'm not even sure which scenerio I want to play out right now. It's like living in our own "Plan your Own Adventure" book. On one hand the thought of doing the same thing for our whole working career life just seems kind of a letdown. But on the other hand it offers so much stability- it offers a good amount time home with our children, stable paychecks, insurance, retirement in our 50s. But if the job is too much of a suffocating, life draining, depression and anxiety inducing experience that's not really the way we want to live until we're 50+. I have always enjoyed working and I've said it before I have a very hard time accepting that I have to spend my time working in unhappiness and frustration.

My husband is the dreamer whereas I'm more of the realist, but I'm still a chase your dreams  kind of person when I want to be. Leaving education behind offers that; it offers something new and different. It's an opportunity to chase other dreams that some of us either abandoned years ago or ones that have taken shape as we've moved through life.

Ever since I've known my husband he's wanted to open his own restaurant. He went to culinary arts school in one of the top culinary arts schools in the country,  Johnson & Wales.  Before I met him and when I first met him he worked in restaurants  where he functioned in  pretty much every position there is in a restaurant. Now he's developed the leadership skills managing people and budgets and supplies through his leadership work in education. He has true talent. The man can cook; and the man is very good with people. People like him, are drawn to him, listen to him, and believe in him; he can lead people.  He's had his own original recipes for years. I truly believe he could make a helluva a go at it in the restaurant business world.

So we've spent a lot of time the past three months researching, thinking, talking to the point that if our Plan A or B doesn't work out within the next two school years I have a budget plan established that should hopefully get us the funds we need to take this huge leap of faith in the spring of 2019- just two years from now. We have talked to a business lender already about what we need to be approved to start a business, we've done a little research on locations and nearby competition in those location, and Nate's started to brainstorm his actual business plan.  He would be taking the lead on this; though I'd be his partner in some ways he'd really be my boss more times than not. I'd handle the books when it comes to scheduling, budgeting, and probably also the advertising and promoting where he'd run the kitchen and the dining room and manage the staff more so than me. But this would take A LOT of his time so I would get to pursue something I've always wanted-be home more with my children (at that time the youngest would be in preschool) and hopefully work on publishing more of my writing.

The scary drawbacks here are we lose all that stability we loved in education. I may be home more with the kids but what about our time as a family traveling and vacations?   I truly think he could establish a place that could make us a pretty decent income of equal if not greater than we have now but just not right away of course. And what about health insurance? That is one of my biggest concerns and something I still have to do quite a bit of research on. The other big decision when you decide to end one story of your life and completely write a new one is where do you want the setting of your new story to take place?

This is something I'm not sure we're quite sure about yet. As much as I love Maryland, and it will always hold a special place in my heart I kind of want to write our new story elsewhere. I would like to get closer to my family. We have traveled the whole eastern side of the country east of Kansas City except New England (Boston- Maine maybe next summer???) so I'd like to get over closer to the other side of the country to eventually hit all those National Parks out west on our trips during the kids' teenage years.  .

I am heavily leaning towards the Lake of the Ozarks. There are many things I love about the thought of going there.
       1. It is close to my family but not super close. I love my family but I've been on my own for over a decade so I need my space! LOL. About 3-4 hours sounds about perfect. We could get to one another in need if needed but they won't be all up in my business!
      2. The schools are pretty decent. Schools are good where we currently are, but some of the places we've considered one of the big drawbacks have been the schools as we want to live and have the business in the same town so good schools are a must.
      3. I really like the idea of opening a business in  a tourist area so not only is the potential to make decent money pretty good but because there are peak seasons we could have a few months off similar to our teaching schedule to return to our traveling dreams as the kids get older.  Rather than the Fall being our busiest, most stressful time Mem-Labor day would be, and rather than our off time being June - August it would be more like Feb-April as places there close for the winter months. We'd probably stay open until the Superbowl, but I'm all for closing up shop for a month or two and hopefully even closing a day or two during the week during the off season school months. Though if Nate found good managers I'd see him chopping that idea. With our less busy time being the school year I love the idea of being able to more easily attend the kids' stuff at school. Our busiest time being when they're out of school could be drawback, but I also see them as they get older making it their summer job so they can help pay their way through college!
   4. Another thing I feel is a positive about this area is we're bringing in a product/brand that is not in abundance in that area.  Since we're willing to pretty much relocate anywhere a smart move would be to go where there's not a lot of competition for restaurants like we have in mind.  Though we've looked around western New York and Pennsylvania those are areas are pretty well known for wings with not only Buffalo Wild Wings but Quaker Steak and Lubes and Anchor Bars as well as the Pittsburgh and Buffalo area just have lots of really good small non chain places that are locally well known for wings, but as you head west and really south too there's Buffalo Wild Wings and that's about it. There's actually a pretty good need for another awesome wing type of restaurant in the southern, Midwest, and western part of the country. When I've done searches for best wings in most areas I'm always amused when KFC or pizza chains like Papa Joe's pop up because I don't just believe he can open a successful restaurant I believe he/we can create a successful brand that has the potential for great expansion. He has a dream, I have a plan, and together we have quite the vision. I've reached a point in my thinking where to not see where this path could lead would just be one of those huge end of life regrets.

There's huge risk in this without a doubt. We'd be investing money into this that we could or possibly should have saved for our retirement years but I still see it as a "retirement" from teaching anyway so even if I look at the worst case scenario and we lose that money it still seems worth it for the break to experience something different. We can always go back into education if we had to. I always believe there's great value in failure, but also on the other hand you can't reach the possibility for great success without risking failure.

Would it be a hard adjustment? YES without a doubt. Does just the thought of that stress me out? Yes, already at times. I know change always comes with it's own set of growing pains. Success won't just happen overnight. It's going to take years of work and dedication. But we're not 20 something years old anymore, so I like to think now in our older, more wise years we can go into this knowing it's going to be difficult at times, we're going to be anxious and worried on whether we're succeeding or failing. We're just going to have to be ready to pull up our big boy and girl pants and be ready to sacrifice some of our time, our money, and some of our other dreams like traveling for the time being, and be ready to go at hard all hands on deck.

With his talent and me with just the right kind of brains we need for this operation I truly believe we can be highly successful. I'm sure we will without a doubt butt heads and possibly want to kill one another at certain times because that's just the way this partnership of ours operates. We have such a great successful partnership though because we excel in different ways but sometimes we're each too hard headed to want to listen to the other at times. But if we get through the growing pains without killing each other I really believe we can leave an amazing legacy behind for our kids. It's not even so much the legacy of leaving a profitable successful business but more so the taking of  a vision and made it a reality, something that will hopefully inspire them to do the same as they embark on their own dreams.

 I really hope we each get the chance to write that one last chapter in education we envision , but even if not I can still say we wrote one helluva a story here. Choosing to move on from Maryland and education isn't because we failed here, it isn't because we're not happy with how this life turned out and want a do over, it isn't because this life isn't good enough. It's about living life to the fullest; it's about allowing your dreams to change and giving them a chance; it's about trying and experiencing as many things as you can in this one life.  We wrote an amazing story here for our kids. Even as much as I may complain about my career in education lately, I don't want that in the end to overshadow the positives I've experienced in this job or the amazing kids I've met in this story.They are part of the reason I feel we need to follow through on our own dreams. I've taught the American Dream and been encouraging kids to chase their own dreams for about a decade now; I don't just want to preach it. I want to live what I say. There's a part of me that is sad at the thought of leaving teaching, especially on weeks like this where I've enjoyed myself. It does feel like leaving a part of yourself behind., but I've learned we teach people not just in the classroom.

We teach and inspire people in the way we live our lives. The biggest people we can teach and inspire are those three pair of eyes that watch and take in everything we do. Though it is choosing to end a story we fell in love with that though challenging at times we wouldn't change for the world, rather than staying the course and continuing to write new chapters I'd rather show our kids how you can live more than one story in your life. Our lives don't have to be a series of chapters to the same story; rather we can write a series of different stories in our one life.

My sixth grade teacher told me one day I'd write the next great American novel. Though she continued to foster my love for writing I never really believed her. That's a pretty hefty prophecy to fulfill. But maybe the prophecy wasn't about writing the actual novel; maybe it was about the story we'd write in the life we live. The American story I want our kids to know.  There may be one more last chapter to this Maryland A & N story, but then we're looking onto writing a new story in a new place in a new life. We write our own stories in the lives we live; let's make a memorable one!




 

Friday, April 21, 2017

#MOMAZING


A little over eight years ago I became a mom for the first time to a beautiful baby girl. When I look back at the very beginning of my motherhood journey I still see it with these rose colored glasses of pure bliss. Between my maternity leave and summer vacation as a teacher I had about six months at home with her and then I went back to work full time including coaching a Fall sport. I had always been a list checker, sometimes over achiever, occasional perfectionist so I tackled motherhood the same way. At first I didn’t really understand what all the fuss about it being so hard was all about. I had this. I was a rock star at this whole career momma thing.

So two and half years later we added baby #2, another precious baby girl. Except she was colic, I had a two year older toddler, a full time career that I just couldn’t give the same dedication to anymore, and we were in the process of moving and it all started to unravel.  The pressure to succeed, to do well was like nothing I’d ever experienced, even more than as a pitcher with a full count and the bases loaded. I struggled. Like the stand in the shower and just sob in frustration kind of struggle or the step outside of your house to escape to just take deep breaths before you lost your shit on somebody. I made mistakes. I failed. I let motherhood defeat me, and I hated myself for it. But I remember one day when I was having a rough day and my then four year old told me she loved me even when I was mad and upset that I truly started to understand how differently  they saw us than we saw ourselves.

This struggling and feeling like I was failing wasn’t what I envisioned in my successful idealism of balancing life, career, and motherhood. It was like I had gone from this graceful masterful trapeze artist that suddenly lost her balance as the crowd waited in hushed tones to see if I’d regain my footing. Whereas everyone else seemed to still be that graceful trapeze artist as they navigated the trenches of motherhood here I was the clown of my own circus show of motherhood trying to juggle way too many balls in the air. Just as all the things that go up must come down, it all crashed around me. After a year I final spoke to a Dr. Though I believe part of my problem was post partum depression by the time I sought help my second daughter was well over a year old and they actually labeled my depression as a symptom to a thyroid disorder they found that I had.

But it was at that time when I was struggling the most with this motherhood thing that I started to write. When we become mothers we are remade. Motherhood I've come to see is the journey from the girl we were to the woman we become. We will never be the same person we were. We evolve and change as we adapt to this most important profound role of our lives. Sometimes we get a little lost on our way.  As I taught students by day as they navigated their own search for self journey through the trying years of adolescence I navigated my own journey at night through my writing as I searched for this new woman that I now was as a mother of two.

Here’s what I learned as I wrote away about the highs and lows of being a mom and balancing life. Searching for perfection is a falsehood that steals our joy. I love the internet and social media. We now have the “internet” to tell us all the ways we are doing this motherhood thing wrong, all the ways we aren’t “enough”, all the ways we need to change to be better. This was peer pressure was greater than I remember from the adolescent days of high school! It may seem like everyone is great at everything but really we’re all just great at different things. We each need to find our uniqueness as a mom and embrace it! I learned I was enough. You are enough. We must love ourselves on the good days and love ourselves even more on the hard days, ladies.

My sisters and I were athletes growing up and our Dad when we would get down on our capabilities to win a game would tell us to get out of our head. I still find that to be so true today in motherhood. Due to depression after the second and then two miscarriages leading up to my third child I have to remind myself of this often. Our doubt lives there and it waits for us to struggle or a threat of failure to taunt us, stealing our confidence. About six months after my third child, our son, was born I found myself sitting in a doctor’s office this time diagnosed with post partum depression.

Even though I have loved to write since I was a child I never dreamed writing about the journey of motherhood or parenting would be my writing platform, but it was the community that formed about my writing that keeps me here because we need each other. To  talk to other women about loving themselves, embracing their flaws, and finding the beauty in motherhood and life on the tough days is a great reason to keep doing what I’m doing which is why I love that Chicken Soup gave me the opportunity to write for them. Chicken Soup stands for community and togetherness. They promote not just accepting and loving one another but ourselves too.  The world desperately needs love right now. We need to love ourselves, love one another, love those that support us, and through all of that we will teach our children love and hopefully that will lead to a better future full of more love rather than hate.

 Three kids, two miscarriages, two depression episodes, yet a wonderful life of eight years into this parenthood thing I can stand here and yes validate for you that this is ridiculously hard. Some days I feel like all anyone notices-work, the husband, the kids-are all the things I’m doing wrong rather than any little thing I’m doing right.

But I can also validate for you that there is nothing better, more rewarding than this journey of motherhood we’re on right now. Their giggles, hugs, their own journeys and accomplishments will overwhelm our hearts. They are worth the hardships everyday. So for them we will stare down our failures, mistakes, and disappointments and not let them get the best of us. They give us more joy than we ever imagined possible. To watch your kids become their own people and see how they inspire us to be better each day is an amazing gift. They will inspire us but without our even realizing it we will inspire them too.

In this competitive digital era of mommy wars, pinterest wars, instagram and facebook highlight reels it's easy to get more bombarded with the criticism and self doubt than the unity we should have in this journey. But whether we’re the older mom that’s traveled these trenches of the early season of motherhood, the mom that gives so much of her time to the school and PTA, the mom juggling her career with kids, the fit or creative mom that throws herself into her passions and makes herself a priority despite it all there's something to admire in about all of us. We are so dedicated to this role is so many different ways. We can recognize one another’s good deeds without it meaning any less of our own. I find so many of you #momazing in life and motherhood so I challenge all of you to leave a note of encouragement and appreciation on another mom or woman's social media page and tell her why she's #momazing (don't forget the hash tag). Let her know she should continue to spread the #momazing love by doing the same to at least two other moms. We are as unique and as individual as mothers and women as our own children are from one another. We all bring something different to the story of motherhood. Allow yourself to inspire and be inspired by one another. Share the mom love and tell someone why she's #momazing!  

 

Sunday, April 2, 2017

Didn't Get the Best Me

I had such high hopes and expectations for myself and this year when I headed back to work in August. Everything had finally fallen into place. Our family was finally complete with a little boy even, we were not only settled and financially stable from our move into a small town community to raise our kids but once again found ourselves some great people to call friends in our new small town family life, Nate and I had both just had our best years of our careers the year before. There for a bit it really was picture perfect, and I knew in that moment it was great.

This past week I probably had my most successful week of the past few months. I sent an essay off for another possible publication, I received my order of books for two upcoming book sale events including my first ever book signing, scheduled a screening interview for a possible job that would be so ideal, knocked out my deadline goals at work with a yearbook deadline and third quarter grades, received a decent write up from a drop in observation, had a student leave me a great thank you note, got outside four times this week to play with my kids, and got in four workouts. We leave in a week to go home- one of my most favorite places to go-and made reservations for a little side stop to add another state/stop to our US map of places visited. It was a successful week. I should feel good about it.

But I'm just flat. I'm not "feeling" it. The past few months have seriously kicked my butt. No one or nothing got the best me these past few months. Definitely not my job. My house-haha- my housekeeping obligations started getting the worst of me somewhere between the second and third kid. My kids probably more times than they should have probably did not get the best me. My husband definitely didn't get the best me as that poor guy has had to run at the bottom of my "list" for far too long though we did have a great weekend away in the Fall alone together. I didn't give anything the best me like I had had such high expectations to do months ago. Instead I think I reached a point where I let it all get the best OF me.

The job itself has been more stressful than ever for everyone in my school system it seems like. Teachers have been dropping out of the profession before the end of the year at a rate I've never seen. I have serious philosophical issues with what's been going on with policy changes in our system, and I have a really hard time "selling" something I don't believe in. 

On top of that in the last six months my grandfather passed away; I dealt with the craziest parent sleep deprivation I've ever experienced; I've had issues with my own health with a post partum depression breakdown that resulted from no sleep and overwhelming work stress, pneumonia, and now I have to have oral surgery in a few weeks to remove an infected tooth that's been leaving me in chronic pain since February; we were told Nate's job that he loves won't be there for him next year due to budget cuts; and we learned of my cousin's cancer diagnosis. I let it all get the best of me. Twice now I've come home with no energy and have just crashed, sleeping the afternoon away. That on top of just not feeling "right" even after a good past week has me thinking maybe it's just my thyroid again. It's messed with me pretty good before.  I'm running on "fake it until I make it" positivity right now.

Sometimes I tell myself maybe I need to just lower my own expectations of myself. But I also don't handle the unknown very well. I don't handle not having everything "in control" very well. I also don't handle things not going "my way" very well. I hate feeling like I failed or disappointed someone. I have a hard time letting those things go which I know I should but obviously I still have some personality/mindset issues to work on.

In a few days I get to leave town and spend 10 days with my little family and visit my family back home. Hopefully it's the "medicine" I need to clear my head, put the disappointment that this year wasn't what I had expected or hoped for behind me, let go of the frustrations that I can, and come back positive and hopeful for the challenges and good things ahead.



 

Friday, March 31, 2017

What "Collateral Beauty" Taught Me

Guest Post by Stepping into Fatherhood aka Nathan Glenn

My wife has been wanting me to write a guest post on this blog for a while now.  I hadn’t known what I wanted to write about until now.  I just watched a movie called “Collateral Beauty.”  Though it really didn’t get very good reviews, I feel that it was a very powerful movie.  In fact I don’t know how you could watch it and not have to wipe tears away from your eyes, especially if you have young children.

Without ruining this movie for you… this movie is about dealing with loss.  Specifically the loss of a young child.  Whenever I watch a movie like this I can’t help butt imagine what that must be like and I can feel the pain as I put myself in the characters' shoes.  It really got me thinking about how we live our lives…more specifically how we live our lives with our children. 

Especially with modern technology, too often we check out.  How many times are you present with your children?  I mean really present???  I got to thinking about this on a personal level and I know that too often, way too often, we are physically present with our children but checked out because we are on Facebook, watching TV, playing games on our phone, doing work, etc, which my wife and I are guilty of all at different moments. Time goes too fast for us to continue to do this and we know it's something we need to really consciously work on.
 The time we have with our children will never be again.  There is no rewind button in life.  We don’t want to miss those special moments because we were checked out on our phone. We can’t get them back again!  We do our best to enjoy our children and cherish every moment, but we both feel we could do better.   As is pointed out in the movie “tomorrow is not promised.”  I could not even imagine losing a child.  My children are my everything and I really don’t know how I would be able to go on. However, I do know that I can enjoy the beauty that my children bring into the world.    Every day my children, your children, bring beauty into this world simply by being in it.  Be it a laugh, a smile, a hug, a cuddle, or a thought there is something every day that is truly special.  Every day we get to spend with them is a gift! 

This also reminds me of something I often tell my wife when she complains about our girls crawling into our bed.  Cherish these moment because one of these days it will be the last of its kind.  The last time crawling into our bed to get snuggles, the last time needing us to do their hair, the last piggy back ride, the last bedtime story, the last, the last, the last.  We are going to miss these things when they are gone so we need to experience as many of these moments as possible.  We can’t do that when we are checked out doing other much less important things.
So from now on we're going to look up from our phone, put down our work, turn off the TV and enjoy what really matters in life… our children.  There is a saying that life is what happens while we are busy making other plans.   Our children love us, they look up to us, and they yearn for our attention.    One day the “mommy, daddy” moments will become less frequent and begin to disappear and I don’t know about anyone else but I'm going to miss these moments.

 
 
 
                                     The Hubby's other Stepping into Fatherhood Guest Post

                               How Marriage is Like Riding a Bike: also written by the Hubby

Wednesday, March 22, 2017

It's Going To Be Okay

Shortly before we found out Lincoln was a boy I had a dream. It was the dream that not only told me he was a boy-which I didn't believe because I kept thinking we were having three girls- but that something wrong or troubling was coming but in the end it would be okay. As those of you that follow this story know not only was the dream correct in telling me he was indeed a boy but that he had heart tumors that first we had to worry could cause fetal death if hydrops developed, and then once he made it through the scariest part of the pregnancy  we had to worry that it was connected to a genetic disorder that would cause tumors to grow on his other organs and cause a variety of other problems for the rest of his life.  They told us he would have to go two years without any other tumors or evidence of the disorder appearing anywhere else on his organs before they would dismiss his case as a rare occurrence with multiple heart tumors that were not in connection to the disorder.

I still experienced a lot of crazy anxiety during that pregnancy but let me tell you that dream is what reassured me time and time again. I believed in it. After my miscarriages I prayed and prayed for something to reassure me about getting through a third pregnancy. Though I have had "visitation" dreams I had never experienced a dream of something in the future like this, and I haven't had one since.

Though I was confident months ago that he was going to be okay, I kept waiting to "experience" that moment in the dark nursery where I knew it was all okay. Though I would sit in that dark nursery rocking my baby boy many times, thinking how I knew in my heart he was okay, and would even ask myself was this possibly the moment I dreamed, it never "felt" like that moment.

Two weeks ago he went for his last EEG of this first year rotation. A couple days ago Kennedy Krieger called me to tell me once again that he was clear of any signs of seizure activity from brain tumors. And that he does not need to have any more EEGs! We're suppose to follow up with Kennedy Krieger this summer, and I'm not sure at this time if they'll have him undergo organ scans like he did at birth again or not. Either way I continue to be confident my baby boy is okay. Not only do I thank God for answering all of our prayers but for even answering the one to ease my anxiety in some way. That dream carried me through my pregnancy and beyond. I truly believed God sent me that dream.

Except then something happened the other night. My cousin that I grew up with was diagnosed two weeks ago with breast cancer at age 34. That has obviously weighed heavily on my mind now these past two weeks. Then one week later my older cousin (my sisters and I are the only other three girls on this side of the family tree)  received the news she also very possibly has cancer so now we are also waiting to hear her prognosis. My mind has been distracted and worrisome of late to say the least.

On Sunday night after we found out our water heater was leaking again for the fourth time in four years, I was tired from a quick weekend trip up north to see my husband's family, and it was almost an hour past my own bedtime, and my fighting daughters who should have also been in bed woke up the sleeping baby I was just ready for one of my own mommy meltdowns. So I grabbed that screaming baby out of his crib and sat there in that dark nursery to rock him. Of course my mind was still wondering if my cousin with the breast cancer had received her PET scan results yet because we were still anxiously waiting to make sure the cancer hadn't spread and it was contained. But as the quiet and peace finally settled around me in that dark nursey I told that sleeping baby, "You know it's all going to be okay. We're all going to be okay." Within moments I realized right then was the moment of my dream! But the "going to be okay" wasn't about my baby boy and his heart and this possible genetic order. It was about my cousin, my family, and this damn cancer. All this time I took the moment in that dream to be about the baby and his heart.

Was the dream meant to reassure me about him after all? Or was it meant to reassure me now? I don't know. But I do know this. I was meant to believe in it. Believe in it this whole past year when I thought it was meant for Lincoln. And believe in it now when I realized maybe it was meant for this moment with my cousin(s) and family. I've always felt that God talks to us and sends us messages if we believe and listen. He's there. We just have to believe and we have to look and listen. I'm listening and I believe. Thanks for always praying for us. We will continue to need them in the months ahead for my cousin as she begins chemo, for my one and only older cousin as she faces her own cancer path, for Lincoln as we hopefully continue working on ruling out this genetic disorder this summer and revisit his cardiologist in May to check on the hopeful continued shrinkage of the tumor he does have, and for all of us on this journey with the ones we love.

 
 
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