Tuesday, September 26, 2017

Mother To Do List of the Bedroom


In the balancing act of motherhood I often feel the role I sacrifice the most is that of wife. I do "wife" things, but I feel that I'm so emotionally overcharged with all the other obligations of life at times that I neglect to put in the emotional connection that I should to my marriage. Marriage after kids is a different relationship than it was before the kids. I look at my husband and me in our crazy hectic lives with three kids, a dog, a cat, homeownership, two careers, side pet projects, and grad school and will occasionally wonder are we normal? Is this the way our relationship is suppose to be at this point? We're here together a decade later; we're a team working together to manage this crazy life we love but drown in sometimes.

Sometimes, I miss the him and I that we use to be. I think almost every mother I know has at some point proudly posted on Facebook how she traded her party nights in for her wonderful children and her thin, younger, sexier body for warrior stretch marks she now wears proudly. Maybe I agree with that most days, but I’m not going to lie. I willingly gave up my party nights for our three beautiful children I love more than anything, but every once in awhile I’d trade those comfy mom panties in to dig sexy out of the back of the underwear drawer for a fun night out on the town with my husband before crawling back into my old body in bed next to my five year old. I'm pretty sure there are days my husband misses that girl too. I wish for my younger, thinner body many more days than I care to admit. The muffin top look and stretch marks don't exactly shout sexy.

We all moved forward in this journey called life to the next chapter of parenthood, but why do we pretend that every once in awhile we don’t miss the girl we were before motherhood?  Don’t get me wrong; I love the who we are as mommy and daddy that we’ve  become. We are different and better people than we were then. But again as the fairy tale that we all envision as young girls slips further and further away and reality settles in, the everyday life of parenthood and all the balance that it entails, I hate the widening gap of who we use to be to who we are. We're so busy, we're so tired, and we're so overwhelmed. We love each other but don't know how to make time for just each other sometimes.

          We know our marriage should be on the higher end of a woman’s priority list; however,

sometimes what we envision and what happens isn’t always the same. Unfortunately, when all that

stress builds up sometimes our poor husbands are the scapegoat or target of all that built up mom

frustration. That can also be because as much as we love our husbands and as much as they help and

support us sometimes they just don't get it.

This is maybe when they ask those questions they should have just kept to themselves such as the times when they ask, "Ewww, are you going to shave your legs? Aren't you going to fix your hair or something? You're wearing that out in public?" Or the better ones after a LONG day, "You wanna have sex?" or "Why do you seem so angry? Haven't you already had your period this month?"

So here are my answers to those wonder husband questions that we all encounter at different points. First, if I get a moment, A MOMENT, to myself today, maybe even this week, shaving my legs is NOT at the top of the me list. My shirt? Sorry, it's covered in baby snot, tears, blood from those bloody knees, and whatever else comes out of these adorable little things we call our children, but I either didn't have the time to change it or I haven't had a chance to do laundry. But again what the public thinks of me is the least of my worries right now. Sex? Hmmm, I am so tired right now I feel like I'm running a race to a finish line I can’t see in sight. I haven't had a chance to shower, I probably haven't shaved my legs in weeks, my hair is literally standing on end, the kids are crying, the dog is barking, I just ate a half a pan of brownies for comfort and feel bloated, and I haven't had five minutes to sit down without someone needing or demanding something from me and you want to have sex! Last, just realize I have my period every Wednesday night through Friday because everything irritates and makes me mad at this point. At this point I don't want anything looking at me, touching me, pointing at me, or anything! So, yes, come the end of the week, I may be a little grouchy, tired, undesirable, filthy, and maybe a little overwhelmed, but I love you and will be better Saturday. Saturdays are a good day for sex but Wednesdays are not!

Sometimes it’s a hard decision to make between sex or sleep! As every parent has probably discovered sleep becomes a rare commodity at certain points in parenthood. Sleep and let's be honest I’m sure we all have sex less than we used to.  If our children are not zapping every last drop of our energy some of them are even set on invading every private moment in our lives. My eight year old once informed us she was "always going to sleep with Mommy and Daddy. Forever, Mommy!" I’m sure I’m not the only mother that is wondering how long it’s going to be until I have a childless bed again. I’ve decided the reason science says women have their peak in their sex drive in their 40s is because they probably have more energy than they’ve had in the last twenty raising children. I’m sure one day it won’t feel so crazy that we have to set aside a special day for sex or feel like we’re sneaking around our house again like teenagers to do the deed. It’s just when we’re living in the craziness of those early child rearing years, it seems so far away.

We all became women before we had children, but with the birth of our children we become a different woman. In the beginning sometimes it’s hard to find and identify with who this new woman is that now must balance motherhood with wife, employee, and whatever other roles we hold. We all hope to move the to do list of the bedroom higher up, and I’m sure our husbands no matter how high on the list we put it wish it were higher.

            Our spouses and our marriages need to be a priority though. This is something I am constantly working on as I continue my journey through motherhood. I don’t want to be strangers when our children are grown and leave home. Even though I do look forward to using that time to rekindle some romance hopefully, I know it’s also important to find ways to rekindle it now while we’re lost in the chaotic years of parenthood. It’s so easy to take each other for granted and fall into the daily routines that result from years of being so comfortable with one another, but as a child of parents that have been married for over 35 years I also know a good solid marriage is a wonderful gift to give to our children. So, moms, put daddy up closer to the top of the to do list and don’t feel guilty for those much needed date nights or even getaway trips  for rekindling your relationship and love for one another.


Do you want to read more about embracing and loving yourself as the mother you are? Today you can get my book Moms, Monsters, Media, and Margaritas for $8 plus shipping.
 
I'm also a part of Chicken Soup for the Soul's The Multitasking Mom's Survival Guide and their recent Curvy and Confident and have an overstock I need to sell so message me at glennbabies@gmail.com for a signed copy for today's special of $12 including shipping payable through paypal or check.
 
Be sure to follow us on facebook. I'll do a drawing tonight from all the new people that join our page.


 

 

 

 

 

 

Sunday, September 24, 2017

Youth Sports: The Parent on the Sideline

My husband and I both grew up with youth sports dominating our childhood lives. We loved the game; no matter what sport there was something about pushing yourself, the adrenaline of a close win, the heartbreak of a close loss, the momento victories that I'm sure we've both made bigger than they actually were by now, and we'll both often reflect on the character traits and passion that youth sports gave us that has served us well into adulthood.

For our kids to be reaching that age to begin playing competitive youth sports is probably one of those parenting experiences we've both been looking forward to since we began parenthood.Though we've always said we would never force them to play something they didn't want to play, obviously our kids loving sports makes our hearts happy. If they weren't interested in sports at all, as much as we would hate to say it, we would let it be, as long as they were interested in something besides video games and watching TV all day.

Our girls are active kids who like to be involved in things and try new things. Our oldest I'm pretty sure would try every sport that is out there if we could find the time and money to fit it all in. But as much as we've been excitedly looking forward to this point in parenthood, when we would get to sit on the sidelines and cheer our kids on in youth sports, I'm coming to realize this is a much harder role to play than I realized.

By her own choice my oldest decided to move up to the more competitive travel club soccer league this year. We were excited for this- all day tournaments, trophies for actually winning, having to earn her playing time, girls she could grow up with playing for years to come. But we could see right from the beginning she was intimidated. These girls were GOOD. When she gets intimidated we've notice she shuts down. There are lots of things she could work on to get better, but one of the most frustrating things was watching her lose her confidence, not play up to her potential, and her lack of aggression. It doesn't matter what sport you play, you have to be a confident, aggressive player.

There are mental parts on top of the skill part of being an athlete. Honestly, it's those mental parts of an athlete that we carry way beyond our time and years on the playing field.  To sit on the sidelines when your kid is slacking (not being aggressive or playing up to their potential) can push your own self control to the limit. There have been times we've just wanted to yank her out and demand to know what the heck she is doing?!?! So then of course our first response when she comes off the field is to light into her about what she's not doing. We've been pretty hard on her. But as I've taken stock of her reactions to our reactions to her playing, I've had to reevaluate this whole parent on the sideline thing.

As someone in a profession who feels like people just want to pick apart my flaws and shortcomings right off the bat rather than commending my strengths, and knowing my own reaction to that is to shut down or want to "escape" so I don't have to deal with the criticism anymore, I've had to ask  myself "really are we helping her here" or are we just stripping her of what's left of her confidence?
I don't necessarily think going easy on her is the answer - even being as young as she is- as I'm not one to "coddle" my kids in fear of hurting their feelings. I think experiencing disappointment and frustration at people's feedback and knowing how to manage her feelings in reaction to those is a valuable lesson in itself as unfortunately we're all going to face people's criticism and corrections and have to know how to respond and manage those.

The kid is a super good kid. She wants to please people and she responds very well to directions or redirection or whatever it is you need to ask of her. I know one of the greatest lessons of sports is how to take constructive criticism and earning your place and any recognition we may receive. I don't necessarily think it does her good to tell her good game every game when there are things she can work on to get better.  I'm finding there's such a thin line though in how to encourage them and give them constructive feedback without killing their love of the game or self confidence.

There's such opportunity here for her and us to learn valuable life lessons when it comes to playing the game. I'm not sure we have it figured out yet but we're working on it.


Thursday, September 21, 2017

Let's Talk About Sex

I shared this article about sex on my Stepping into Motherhood facebook page the other day. Between that and I'm a part of these moms groups on facebook as well, I've found women are oddly curious about how much sex other women are having. I feel like I get to be a fly on the wall as I watch all these women respond these sex inquiry threads in these groups. The responses of "normal" range anywhere from a barely ever within a year to a few times a week. Actually I'm pretty sure a few even maybe said a few times a day to almost daily. With small kids at home! Sorry, I had to pick my jaw up off the floor on that. Really? Do you think she was for real???

If you don't know, I'm a very goal oriented person. I like to set goals and see what I can achieve.
 I don't share them too often because honestly I don't usually achieve them in the amount of time or the way I want or sometimes at all. Recently as my life has seemed to be turning a corner, and we're on the horizon of entering a new phase of our life as parents as we're leaving babies behind and transitioning to older kids, my goals have started to shift to my marriage. It's seriously taken a backseat the past almost decade. I even looked at my husband last night at dinner as I rolled my eyes that the toddler was overtired and screaming and the girls were whining that they had to go to the bathroom AGAIN and told him we're so close to this needy, dependent phase of parenthood being behind us, and I felt guilty even admitting out loud to him that I was quite excited about that possibility. I don't want to rush my kids growing up, but it's been him and I elbows deep on our own with no family or back up doing this parenting thing for almost a decade now. When people invite us out to do things that don't include kids we have to decline because there's no one else to watch the kids except us or someone we'd have to pay. We've had so few dinners alone or kid free with friends I could probably count them on my one hand. It's rarely just him and I in bed alone because they seem to always be in there with us. But as we get ready to embark on our third trip in thirteen months without kids, it's like I can feel the freedom that comes with exiting this phase of parenthood. We've finally started to feel they're old enough to leave for long weekends and even a week with family while we leave town, with the two oldest in school now and the oldest being just a few years away from being old enough to leave in charge we can have a dinner alone again so soon, and they're starting to sleep more in their own beds and less in ours.

We've been buried in this demanding phase of parenthood for so long, I think our biggest goal was survival most days. It still is some days, but my latest goals, mommas, have started to shift to my marriage and sex. Tell me I'm not the only one that's considered setting sex goals. I've been exhausted and overwhelmed for the past decade. I have handed my life over to these little people that I love with all my being but at times they have drained me where I have nothing left to give at the end of the day. I'm four years away from 40, and I read once where women hit their sexual peak in their 40s. I think I now know why! Without children clinging and needing something from me 24/7 and with my body being mine again, I may actually have more energy and desire for things not related to mothering.

So my goals as I head into 36 here soon are about sex. I want to have more sex as I head into mid life here. I want to turn our monthly average into a weekly average, and I want to be motivated to do that and not be too tired!  I hope these little trips without our kids are just the beginning because they have been wonderful this past year for allowing us to reconnect. As much as we both love those three little monsters of ours and the journey to five is something neither of us would ever change, I  don't want to forget the two people that began the journey. Because I think too often as we go from couples to families and we change from who we were to Mom and Dad it's very easy to lose the couple that began the journey.


                                  Photo courtesy of Sandia Pantano Imaging and Photography

 

Tuesday, September 12, 2017

What I Learned About Suicide in the Darkest Moments of Depression

I'm a get tougher, kid, kind of person. Ask my husband or my sister or my kids. It's either "it's not that bad" or "you'll be fine" are my usual replies. So when it comes to mental health here I'm going to admit some not very nice things but bear with me as I believe full disclosure with mental health is a must if we're going to change the way we look at and treat mental health.

Growing up I watched several family members struggle with depression. As I got older I came to understand some of the treatment some of them got but it wasn't really because they told me. Nobody talked about their struggles with depression like the way my dad's side of the family would talk about and discuss their struggles with diabetes. Depression was and is still very much treated like a dirty family secret that one shouldn't address.

As I moved into adulthood I remember being judgmental and critical of others I'd encounter in my life that had more obvious struggles with depression. I thought harsh things like it's all in their head; they needed to just change their perspective. Happiness is a choice; if they're not happy it's their own fault. "People just needed to get tougher" was my thinking.

When I first started to notice my angry outburst and drastic mood swings I of course refused to acknowledge it was anything connected with mental health. The first episode as I refer to them happened the year after I got out of college.  I just needed to get over it I told myself. I needed to reinforce positive thinking in myself and find my happy was my thinking. It wasn't until my third episode, that I sought medical help. Even though a year to years could pass in between, each episode was worse than the one before. Though I was steadfast in denying I was dealing with depression because my stubborn mind said depression was a choice you make, it was actually my sister, a certified social worker, who knows that DSM diagnosis book well, who was the first to tell me my struggles looked to actually mirror anxiety more so than depression most of the time.

This offered a little less of a negative stigma in my mind but I was still stubborn in refusing medication though it has been prescribed to me; however, my doctor did support that if I found other natural non medicated ways to manage my anxiety and depression she was whole heartedly supportive of those practices.

However, over the last few years, I've learned as much as you can be aware of your thinking and yourself it's really, really hard to change yourself. I hate when people will tell me not to get so worked up or anxious about certain things that tend to trigger my high anxiety moments. And the awful thing is even as someone who hates it when people do this to me I turn around and will catch myself doing the same thing to family that struggles with the same thing, just different triggers. Unfortunately, they can't just flip a switch and start thinking and behaving differently. It is not that easy, as much as I once wanted to think it was.

When you're dealing with anxiety or depression you are a prisoner of your own thoughts. Almost a year ago this next month- I will forever remember the date- I hit a wall I never saw coming. Though I had hit lows three other times where it's like depression collides with my anxiety, the collision track I was on seemed to come out of nowhere fast. I was suddenly in overdrive, and it was like depression took my brakes out of the car and I couldn't get a handle on where I was headed. In the past I had lashed out with extreme anger and criticism. I'll be honest that I still handle my anxiety with anger too much, but I am sooo much better about catching and trying to refocus myself. But last October the anger wasn't there; it was something totally different and much darker.

Last October when I reached the lowest low of my struggles with depression and anxiety to date I saw something so horribly clear in that moment. I don't like to go back there to that day but I'm going to go there for a moment because we all need to see something I saw so startling clear for the first time that day....



It was about 11:30 in the morning, and I was sitting in my car in the parking lot at work. I had told work I had a medical emergency and they needed to get someone for my last class of the day. I sat there, crying like I hadn't cried in I don't know how long, though I felt all I'd done in the past month was cry. About everything. Your thoughts-- I can't even begin to explain the consumption of your own thoughts and emotions in a moment like that- are just taking over any kind of rationality that you have left.  You are trapped inside your own head. You are trapped inside a dark cloud of negativity that only wants to remind you of all your flaws, all your shortcomings, of all the ways you've screwed up, of all the ways you're not good enough. I don't need you to tell me all that is untrue or BS right now. I know that now.

But when depression has you by the throat, squeezing out the last breathable air you desperately try to inhale it doesn't matter. You can't see or hear anything else. You can't rationalize very well. Think about finding yourself trapped in your car in flooding waters- how fast can you rationalize what's the right thing to do. Think about the panic you'd feel.  This is what the peak of depression feels like- uncontrollable panic as things feel like they're spinning out of control. Though I can honestly say I was not having suicidal thoughts when the doctor asked me back on that October day or now looking back but in that moment I do remember thinking "Oh my God, I get it now. I understand what leads people to suicide."

So here's what I want you to know about depression and suicide. They're trapped. Not in a car being consumed by water but by negative thoughts consuming their mind. They're panicked; they are scared. They feel like they're running out of time and ways out. Just like the drowning cry for help is silent more times than not so is their cry for help.


 

Saturday, September 9, 2017

I Don't Need a Mom Blog to Tell Me How to Do Motherhood

I purposefully avoid telling people at times that I have what most call a "mom blog". I love to tell people that I write and even that I have managed to get a few things published; however, mentioning my content niche is kind of a hit or miss thing. I avoid mentioning the term "mom blog" because here are things people assume about mom blogs:

-"oh she must be some mom expert" - insert the eye roll here
-"she's going to tell me how to parent my kid"
-"oh, god, she's judging me!" as they run away in fear
-"she must this pinterest crafting, cooking, home organization supermom; I should avoid her at all costs to my own sense of self worth" as they regard the mom blogger in a projected illusion of perfectionism that we cannot meet anymore than any other mom.

I love to read mom blogs as much as I love to write here on my own, and I've connected and networked with a handful of other mom bloggers. They are wonderful, caring women. We are not writing to pass on our so called "expert" mothering advice. As you've probably discovered from reading mine I don't have much to offer there.  Believe me when I tell you we are not here to tell you how to do motherhood. We don't really know anymore than you do. Honestly, any "expert" insight I may have comes from a teacher's perspective, not from being a mom or blogger. I didn't start a mom blog or join mom blog communities to because I'm a mom expert or expert at anything. If you've been around here or me long enough you know I can't cook (but I am improving!), pinterest and I are not friends, I do like to be organized but really my life is organized chaos at best, and though I talk about supermom frequently I am not her and besides my childlike vision of my young mother I have not met her. Most of our mom blogs aren't for us to judge anyone else's parenting but our own, which most of us probably do a little harshly. We write for the mom blog community because this journey is the most important journey to us.

We do it because we want to connect in companionship with other mommas in the trenches with us. We want support and more importantly we want to give you, the readers and other mommas, that find us, support. Motherhood is a dark corner of solitude at times. Sometimes literally while we're sitting there in desperation in the dark corner of the nursery trying to get a screaming baby back to sleep. We just want you to know in those dark moments we get it, we understand, you're doing the best you can, and it is enough.

We're all in this parenting thing together. We're each just trying to do right by our kids. Sure some of us- mom bloggers or not- are a little misguided sometimes and make mistakes- but in the end I think we all have a similar goal of raising happy, well adjusted, productive kids that can hopefully leave this world better than what it was when they entered it.

I am not here to judge your mothering; I am not here to tell you the best way to raise your kids. We are each the expert of that ourselves. But I am here to offer you support, understanding, a listening ear when you just need to vent or connect with someone that just gets this motherhood thing. As always I'm wishing all of us the very best in this journey of motherhood.


If you want to keep up with my mom fails, my short moments of momma success, and share in my laughter and tears I am now active daily on my Stepping into Motherhood facebook page sharing short little bits of humor and joy on this momma gig of ours.



                                  Last years's Fall photo but planning to get new ones today!