Sunday, April 2, 2017

Didn't Get the Best Me

I had such high hopes and expectations for myself and this year when I headed back to work in August. Everything had finally fallen into place. Our family was finally complete with a little boy even, we were not only settled and financially stable from our move into a small town community to raise our kids but once again found ourselves some great people to call friends in our new small town family life, Nate and I had both just had our best years of our careers the year before. There for a bit it really was picture perfect, and I knew in that moment it was great.

This past week I probably had my most successful week of the past few months. I sent an essay off for another possible publication, I received my order of books for two upcoming book sale events including my first ever book signing, scheduled a screening interview for a possible job that would be so ideal, knocked out my deadline goals at work with a yearbook deadline and third quarter grades, received a decent write up from a drop in observation, had a student leave me a great thank you note, got outside four times this week to play with my kids, and got in four workouts. We leave in a week to go home- one of my most favorite places to go-and made reservations for a little side stop to add another state/stop to our US map of places visited. It was a successful week. I should feel good about it.

But I'm just flat. I'm not "feeling" it. The past few months have seriously kicked my butt. No one or nothing got the best me these past few months. Definitely not my job. My house-haha- my housekeeping obligations started getting the worst of me somewhere between the second and third kid. My kids probably more times than they should have probably did not get the best me. My husband definitely didn't get the best me as that poor guy has had to run at the bottom of my "list" for far too long though we did have a great weekend away in the Fall alone together. I didn't give anything the best me like I had had such high expectations to do months ago. Instead I think I reached a point where I let it all get the best OF me.

The job itself has been more stressful than ever for everyone in my school system it seems like. Teachers have been dropping out of the profession before the end of the year at a rate I've never seen. I have serious philosophical issues with what's been going on with policy changes in our system, and I have a really hard time "selling" something I don't believe in. 

On top of that in the last six months my grandfather passed away; I dealt with the craziest parent sleep deprivation I've ever experienced; I've had issues with my own health with a post partum depression breakdown that resulted from no sleep and overwhelming work stress, pneumonia, and now I have to have oral surgery in a few weeks to remove an infected tooth that's been leaving me in chronic pain since February; we were told Nate's job that he loves won't be there for him next year due to budget cuts; and we learned of my cousin's cancer diagnosis. I let it all get the best of me. Twice now I've come home with no energy and have just crashed, sleeping the afternoon away. That on top of just not feeling "right" even after a good past week has me thinking maybe it's just my thyroid again. It's messed with me pretty good before.  I'm running on "fake it until I make it" positivity right now.

Sometimes I tell myself maybe I need to just lower my own expectations of myself. But I also don't handle the unknown very well. I don't handle not having everything "in control" very well. I also don't handle things not going "my way" very well. I hate feeling like I failed or disappointed someone. I have a hard time letting those things go which I know I should but obviously I still have some personality/mindset issues to work on.

In a few days I get to leave town and spend 10 days with my little family and visit my family back home. Hopefully it's the "medicine" I need to clear my head, put the disappointment that this year wasn't what I had expected or hoped for behind me, let go of the frustrations that I can, and come back positive and hopeful for the challenges and good things ahead.


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