Oh, baby, oh, baby!

After about twelve hours of doctor's orders of rest and close monitoring we were finally sent home from labor and delivery last night around 1 in the morning. I am 31 weeks today so nine weeks to go until D day. I have yet to be pregnant on my due date; however, having a baby nine weeks early is not on my bucket list of life accomplishments. It's not that I thought he was coming yesterday or even today.

My concern is more this. Over the last few days my Braxton hicks have turned into cramping. I've had Braxton hicks with all three of my pregnancies, but cramping with the other two was the start of approaching labor and dilation. Now realize my labors are LONG. They are not a quick and done deal. With my first the cramps started on a Friday night and she was born two days later. With my second they started at 35 weeks and between 35 weeks and 38 I cramped and slowly dilated my way up to a five before they finally just said since I was a five, past 37 weeks, but not officially in active labor I could go ahead and have her if I wanted. I was all for let's do this!

At 31 weeks yesterday I was already dilated to a 1 with some softening of my cervix but even though I continued to have cramps all afternoon long, only a few registered as actual contractions on their monitor and in ten hours my cervix never changed. Which is all good; however, my worry is this will be similar to labor with my second. That over the next few weeks I will continue to cramp, which I still am today very mildly though because I've been resting, and SLOWLY dilate my way ahead. My worry though with starting this at 31 weeks is that we're still looking at him being early. If it's similar to my second that'd be around 34 weeks, which is way better than 31 but wouldn't 37 be much better???Also I now live an hour from the hospital so between his heart concern and now the possibility of him being early (even at 34/35 weeks) I want to make sure I make it to the hospital! Luckily my labors in the past have never been fast so even though he's my third hopefully even if I wait until it's obvious I'm in active labor we'll still have time to make it to the hospital.

I would not be surprised if we have ourselves another March baby. Just hoping for the end of March, not the beginning of March this time. In the meantime where I was thinking we could use the end of March, our spring break, to finish the last of our baby prep, I'm thinking now we might want to get on it a little sooner. Even though I've never been pregnant on my due date my other two were only two days and two weeks early, but it doesn't seem like a month early (36 weeks) typically warrants much if any extra time in the hospital. So that crib and dresser in a box may need to be put together sooner rather than later. That mattress we haven't ordered we should probably order. And I'm thinking it'd be a good idea to get the carseat soon?? As for naming him I think I've just accepted that we'll probably do that when they tell us he can't leave the hospital as Baby Boy G.

I know every pregnancy and kid and so forth always varies from individual to individual but if you have any experience with any of the questions below I would love your knowledge.

1. When it comes to early/preemies what is the threshold for looking at lots of NICU time to probably limited NICU time (that's excluding of course whatever NICU time we're looking at with his heart)?
It seems like once we get down to no more than six weeks early things improve quite a bit based on feedback I've already gotten.

2. Anyone else ever start dilating this early and a doctor tell them it could just be because it's the third or more and not necessarily early labor signs?

3. It seems like cramping is actually common even though it's one of the flags to call OB and get checked out but anyone else with cramping and dilating this early?

 

 

Don't Apologize

I love the internet. I love the connections it gives us to other people. I'm not sure what pressure was like before the internet. I experienced high school and college pressure before social media. However, honestly I don't really feel like those pressures ever really phased me much. Maybe because those that knew me knew I was going to do what I was going to do. When I wanted to do it. They accepted that and loved me anyway. Hopefully your closest friends and family were the same too. However, in our social media world we are exposed to the influences of more than just those in our closest inner circle.

We are now exposed to a whole new level of pressure in all the aspects of how we live our life from anyone and everyone we've ever known because we are now virtually connected to not just our closest friends but all those we've met along the way.  There's pressure in where our career should rank in our list of priorities, where exercise should rank in our list of priorities, pressure on what our eating habits should be, pressure on how we should be raising our kids, pressure on what our goals and ambitions should be, pressure on what our marriage should be like, pressure on everything you can probably think of, pressure on what we do with our spare time, pressure on what happiness should look like.  If we let ourselves think too much on it we could totally convince ourselves we're living our life all wrong.

If we're not convinced we're living it all wrong we feel the need to apologize for how we do live our life. We feel the need to apologize for sharing too many pictures of our kids, for making time for ourselves and our interests, for sharing our journeys with our health, struggles, or personal goals and ambitions, apologize for shouting our happiness to the virtual world in hopes of spreading more positivity than negativity for a change, for sharing our views on delicate issues in hopes of convincing someone to look at an issue with a new perspective.

We need to be able to look at other's journeys and be happy for one another because we all have different struggles and triumphs that we will encounter. Different things will fulfill each of us. Each of our vision of happiness is different than everyone else's. What is important to you is not important to me. What is important to me is not important to you. And that is okay. We don't need to apologize for what makes us different. We don't need to apologize for what we choose to dedicate our time and resources to. We don't need to apologize for how we choose to live our life and we need to know there are many right ways to live this life. There is no one right or perfect way to live this life. Our journeys aren't about someone else or about making someone else feel bad about their life choices. It should be about celebrating the victory in ours so let's not apologize for what we choose to share or the choices we make in how we choose to live.



                                     Don't apologize for the victorious or the failing moments.

PS I'm not going to apologize for my picture sharing obsession anymore :)

 

Parenting in Today's Contradicting Informational Age

So today in my usual browsing of the internet I came across this Huffington Post Parents'  The Modern Parenting Crisis article. As always I find myself amused by the continued contradiction of what our modern informational age tells us about parenting. Half the time it seems like everything we do no matter which end of the parenting spectrum we fall is wrong or a modern day parenting crisis.

I rarely base my own parenting decisions on any of these articles, but I do find myself unable to avoid reading or considering their content. One article will tell us our kids today are lazy and too dependent and engrossed in technology while another will tell us as parents we devote too much of our time and ourselves into making sure they're involved in a wide range of activities. I understand there are extremes. There are parents who invest very little time into their kids and therefore they probably spend too much time in front of the television or their electronics; while there are others who push their kids in their activities to the obsessive point of what  you see on Trophy Kids . I like to think more than the majority of us fall in the middle.

But being in the middle takes a serious amount of dedication on our part as parents so I feel that articles like "The Modern Parenting Crisis" give parents an excuse to cut back on their commitment to their kids or appeases the guilt of those that criticize others and  limit their own commitment to their kids' interests. I truly believe we can be dedicated parents, work our full time careers, and still find solitude for ourselves. I know this is possible. I saw my parents do it, I see my friends do it now, my husband and I do it now in our current lives even though I'm sure the years ahead will be much crazier than they are right now.

Are there going to be sacrifices at time? Yes but most choices come at the sacrifice of something else; didn't we all sacrifice a part of ourselves to become parents in the first place? Honestly, can you really be the same person you were before kids after you have kids? Really I think the parenting crisis debate of today is a choice between us or our kids? Do we sacrifice them and their interests or us and our interests?  But it doesn't have to be an all or nothing, does it?

There are weeks like this past one where it's Girls Scouts one night, gymnastics another, and a two night special event at school where we're gone four out of the five evenings on top of being gone ten hours a day (with our long commutes) working full time all week with extra meetings or work commitments between the two of us. Is it a bit exhausting? Of course. Was there other stuff that was not taken care of? Definitely. But the beauty of your kids being in activities also means they're old enough to help out around the house. They helped empty the dishwasher in the middle of the week, they put their own clothes away after they're washed, and they know if I'm still taking them to their activities or if they want to go out and play for a bit before we head out for the evenings' activity their room and playroom better be cleaned up and pass Inspector Mommy. Sometimes they help me make my bed, sort the ridiculous amount of mismatched socks, and clear the table after dinner. They are seven (almost) and four, but they already get that we do a lot between working to pay for all these things they enjoy and making the time for them to get involved in the things they enjoy, but they also know it's not a them take everything and give nothing in return.

My parents did this for me and my sisters; they were extremely dedicated to my sisters and mine interests. I don't recall us having to help out around the house the way I make my girls until we were a bit older when my mom went back to work when I was entering middle school, but again they were working full time and giving up their evenings and later weekends to be there for us and our activities. I still remember them having their own things. My father when he wasn't coaching twenty four adolescent girls two nights a week and every weekend from late March until the end of July, he was out in the driveway taking turns catching all three of us. Yet he still had time for his big loves, golf, hunting, and playing cards. My mom who ran the management end of those two teams for a decade on top of working full time and being the primary caretaker of the home (it took Dad awhile to get past the old way of thinking about gender roles in the house ;)  ) still loved to read her books and sew though I don't remember her sewing as much as we got older.

Just like with this past week I still managed to get in reading the first few chapters of a book I started, I started working on our next family photo album, and got in a little TV watching with my husband, which is his primary choice of unwind time, and I'm sure I still spent too much time conversing on facebook. When we're not out and about with our kids and are at home I don't feel the need to entertain or engage my kids. They will go outside and entertain themselves for hours with honestly me hearing very little from them or they will go downstairs and play pretend with their barbies, dolls, or animals. Sometimes they watch movies; on a lazy weekend day maybe most of the day if they feel like it! Or they'll play games on their tablets. Again for an uncensored amount of time because again I'm confident my kids are not lazy in the way they enjoy and thrive on being so involved and busy and in the way the pitch in around the house so if the kid wants to play on her tablet or watch TV all afternoon I'm pretty confident she's not suddenly going to turn into a lazy, entitled brat.


God knows there are plenty of articles and memes out there claiming we're raising self centered entitled kids these days, but there are self centered, entitled people in every generation. But there's a generation of hard working, dedicated parents right now raising well rounded, involved, independent kids with gratitude. I think the ones that have this figured out haven't fully sacrificed themselves or their kids. They've realized the little sacrifices here and there that need to be made in order to find the balance. We can support our kids in their love and interests without fully sacrificing ourselves. Are we going to be busy? Yes, crazy busy! But I look at my friends in the parenting trenches with me right now, and no we're not perfect and we make mistakes and learn as we go, but I know we're committed to our kids and the interests they choose to pursue. Yes, that will take a lot of dedication on our part to fully support them, but as kids that were raised this way ourselves by parents dedicated as we intend to be, we are now capable adults ready to balance our needs with our kids to raise the next generation of independent, successful, gracious kids.

Faith vs Religion

I've made it known at times that I have my issues with religion. But to me there's a big difference between faith and religion, and even though I struggle with where religion fits in my life, I definitely have always had room in my life for faith in God. I believe in a higher power, one that I refer to as God as several religions do, and I do believe in heaven or some kind of after eternal life. I think of myself as a spiritual person but not a religious one.

The main reason I would say I'm skeptical of religion is because it's a man made institution that at times has been used to instill fear into people to get them to behave or belief a certain way. It's a tool used to manipulate throughout history by man. The Bible was translated by man. Who is to say how accurate that translation is to God's word. Everyone uses that translation to manipulate it to the benefits of their own philosophy.

However, if I lean towards anything it's Christianity. Here's the thing I don't like about it though. I don't like the preaching that we must Jesus as the savior or we're damned to hell or how it doesn't matter if you live a good, caring, giving life if you don't accept the Christian beliefs you will be damned to hell. I DO NOT like that thinking. There are good people out there that are not working for the devil (a non Christian is not the devil) that are raised to believe in their cultural and/or religious values that we were born into.

That being said though, I still encourage my girls to attend Christian Vacation Bible Schools because I want them to form their own conclusions and beliefs. We do pray to God together at night sometimes, and they've attended church with us at times throughout their childhood. They know I believe in God. I do not impose my cynical views of religion on them. I hope they have faith so will share my faith with them but I want them to find their own way when it comes to what they think about religion.

That also being said,  I have visited the Jesus statue in Hopkins hospital before the birth of both our girls, and I am adamant that we must visit it again this time. So adamant that I told Nate if I can't make it there because of labor he needs to go without me.

I believe Jesus lived and I believe he was a great man. Is he the savior? I don't know. Is he the son of God? Anymore than the rest of us are God's children? I don't know. However, I will share a story that occurred encouraging me to maybe belief there's more truth to the Bible's message about Jesus than I've been willing to give it credit. Just as I feel I've "seen/experienced" whatever word you want to use to confirm my faith in God and heaven, this is the closest encounter I've had with convincing me the truth of Jesus is real.

About a year after my grandfather passed away I was having a religious conversation with my grandmother. My grandparents have been devout Catholics their whole lives. But I was sharing my doubts about religion, the Bible, and Jesus as being the Savior. It was around a month later when staying at Nate's grandma's house I went to get my youngest daughter out of her crib in the back room. Laying in her crib was this page from the Bible. Underlined on those pages was points refuting the arguments I had given to my grandmother about the truth of who Jesus really was/is. In my faithful, possibly too imaginative to some's mind, I saw this as my grandfather dropping that page (I could not find any of Nate's grandma's Bibles anywhere near the crib to explain where the page may fell from) in her crib to prove to me who Jesus really is. Not only did he have to have the last word in typical Grandpa fashion, but he knew if he could tell me somehow the truth of who Jesus is I would believe him because I have faith in God's existence and the other side, more than I would ever believe someone else's word or some word written/translated by mankind.

That all being said, I think of myself as having faith.in God and his role in our lives. I don't know if I'll ever find comfort in the Bible because of what mankind has done to it to push hate or condemn others. It has been misused throughout history and still is today. Faith and God to me is all about love, acceptance, and forgiveness. I have often wondered about the question when it comes to spirituality and religion if you can have one without the other. I completely believe so; however, I know some may not see it that way. But I have hope for myself and Jesus. I am open to proof that Jesus is who the Christians claim he is. I believe my faith will lead me to the right answers.

 

January 26,2015 to January 26, 2016: The Final Stretch

I couldn't help this morning but to remember what I woke up knowing on this day last year. Sometimes I find myself trapped in what happened  this day a year ago and so focused on that long awaited moment that awaits us in April when our baby boy finally arrives.

But I woke up today and saw once again the beauty in where we are right now. The year between last and where I am right now mattered A LOT. The past is important but it doesn't have to steal our present or future. We can look to the future in excited anticipation, but we're not living there yet. So much happens between the two for not just me in our journey to baby #3 but in everything we do for any of us. There's value in our struggles.  Our struggles at times may define us more than our victories. It is our struggles that make our victories victories. There's a whole story, a whole journey in between that matters.  If we only see the victories than we don't really see what was gained. Because what was gained was how we changed and how we grew.

Has the past year from that miscarriage to now been easy? No. But it's reinforced to me that our journeys cannot and will not be perfect. Life is meant to be a beautiful mess. The right moment isn't in what's to come or what has passed; it's in the journey from where we were to where we're going.

The irony of what this day represented a year ago and how it marks the start of my third trimester (the final thirteen weeks) of this pregnancy this year is not missed by me. If  you know me, you know I do not find coincidence in these things. We are down to the final stretch here. It has been a long, at times emotionally exhausting, journey to even get here, but these last few months could still feel like the longest three months of my life!

There was the emotional trauma of last year's miscarriage a year ago today, my own internal battle of  whether to face another pregnancy after two miscarriages, the paranoia of another miscarriage the first trimester of this pregnancy, the strange anxiety insomnia and dreams that occurred in those few weeks between the end of the first trimester and the 20 week ultrasound scan which lead to me being worried something was wrong before I knew anything was wrong, the second trimester of extra doctor appointments and research of possibilities with the mass on his heart and genetic disorder concern, and now here we are the final thirteen weeks with still no definite answers on the tumor diagnosis of his heart and the anticipated diagnostic testing, extra doctor appointments, and treatment plans we'll have to face after he's born. Again, these could be the longest three months ever. But I am ready. I got this. I had one little setback the other day when the wrong person said the wrong thing to me (I know they meant well but honestly this is typical of them so I should have expected it)  and seeing the diagnostic possibilities in print even though I've heard them in doctor consultations kind of threw me off.

But not only do I have faith that it's all going to work out okay in the end whether that end is when he's checked out after birth or later down the road after his received medical attention or on a manageable treatment plan, I've also found my worry about the transition of two to three and balancing three kids is no longer a huge concern that it once was (going from one to two was HARD for me so think it kind of mentally traumatized me lol). We got this. We will all be okay.

As much as we've talked about growing our family for years and thought we'd already have our three kids by now, when I look back I don't really know if I was ready for that. The time then really wasn't right. But I'm there now. I can confidently say I am ready now. I'm in the right frame of mind to do this, face the medical issues ahead, adjust to a family of five after being four for four years.

So let's do this. We got a room left to finish, a name to nail down, baby shopping to still do, and we're going to be ready to have a baby! When I finally get to hold him in my arms the road to that moment will have been totally worth it.