Hurricane break...

So I feel guilty that I am sooooo glad there is no work tomorrow due to the hurricane. And hopefully, it's one of those times where the weathermen got a little over excited and things won't be as bad they're afraid they can be. It does sound like some people in some places are going to get hit pretty hard so as much as I'm thankful for my unplanned extended weekend, I pray everyone stays safe and escapes the storm with as little disruption to their lives as possible.  Quite honestly, between the two snowmageddons we've experienced here, Hurricane Irene last August, and that crazy derecho this past summer, I don't think anyone should take these storm threats lightly. In the meantime,  I'll enjoy my much needed day at home with my family, and pray others stay safe.

And why do I feel tomorrow is such a much needed day home. Because this working momma of two has found this year to be the exhausted, overwhelming experience I had such anxiety about last year when I went back to work in January. Why is it so bad this year? I think a couple things have contributed to it. One, was even though it was only January when I went back, it was only nine weeks or so to Spring Break and then that final countdown to summer, and I think that light at the end of the tunnel cheered me on. I now know what a HUGE help it was having Sarah at my house last year and not having to add time to my day with dropping and picking up at two different places (as always my kids are spending their days with great people but there really is a big added bonus  when the sitter is  at your home). Nate's also in the thick of this graduate program he started so he's busting his butt with a job that already demands a lot of extended hours on top of classes that are working him like it's the only thing he has going on in life, which leaves me single parenting it half the time. Work has just really rough this year, and I don't think I'm alone in this so I don't think it's just because I have small kids at home. Everyone just feels like we've been beaten down to the point that we typically feel in March but it's only October! And I just hate, hate how everyone else's kids suck all my patience and time out of me during the day that by the time I get home I'm too tired and impatient with my own children. I get them for a few short hours an evening, especially Kenz who goes to bed so early at 730. I'm always torn between rushing my kids to bed so I can wrap up the day's work and have a few minutes to relax or pushing back their bedtime. And even though it may be "bad parenting" for all those parents that are all about routime, but I usually judge it based on them. If they're happy and in good moods then I don't see the harm in pushing back their bedtime. But when they're driving me crazy after a long day of everyone else's kids on my last nerve, they're off to bed. As I told Nate, there just is NOT enough hours in the day. I think if the day was just a little longer, I wouldn't be so irritable about it all, which is why in the next year or so I'm hoping we can cut down the hours in my work day. I never thought I d really want to be a stay at home mom, but I have been looking into something, anything  that will give me an option to be less stressed and give more of myself to my kids. Just afraid by the time I figure that out my kids will all be in school. In the meantime,  it is what it is, and I know many other mamas are in the same boat so for now I suppose I just better suck it up and do it too! Can't change it right at this moment.

On the positive side, we've had some fun family weekends the last few weekends. We've been to the pumpkin patch, the parks, carved pumpkins, had a visit with Grandma, and celebrated Kenzi's first birthday! So it's been a busy last two weekends. I can't believe our second baby is going to be one already! She has been happier this second half of the year and I hope that continues to be the case. I don't know why, but I worry so much that her crankiness as a baby is a sign that she's going to be an unhappy person as she goes through life. I just want her to be happy and love life like the rest of our crazy family. Averi finished soccer, and I have to say Nate and I found it almost a painful experience. And Averi is not a fan. She actually ran to kick a ball in the game yesterday but when she saw another boy coming up beside her, she took off and ran the other way. Poor kid. It was too aggressive of an activity for her. She frequently tells us now how she likes dance and gymnastics better so I guess we'll stick with that for now. I'm hoping she likes Tball a lot better, which it's not a contact sport and she's pretty good at hitting and throwing the ball so hopefully it'll go a little better. But it wouldn't surprise me if she ends up being the first girly girl of the Williams bloodline. But no matter what she or Kenz do I'll be there to watch it all and enjoy it, even if it's something as awful as three year old soccer.
                                                               Love this big smile

                                                   She loved the birthday cake.

                                      One of the few happy pictures of her enjoying the park.

                                                               Our big girl.

                                                                  Our diva.

                                                          Playing in the pumpkin patch.

                                  Not so excited about digging out the inside of the pumpkin.

Going to enjoy tomorrow and probably Tuesday, as well, hanging with my girls. I love all those cuddle moments. Even Kenzi has become quite cuddly lately! I love it. Why do they have to grow so fast?! I always just want to squeeze them so hard when they let me hold them. Afraid I'm going to close my eyes and wake up to find them grown and not able to fit on my lap anymore.Stay safe East Coast.

October is here and fun is around the corner!

Kenz and I are at home taking a sick day today. This awful cold that's been taking people out left and right at work has been chasing people in my household for a good week or so now. Averi who always seems to be able to get rid of germs with a quick sneeze, coughed for a bit and of course now looks to be cured. Kenzi on the other hand is the opposite. This darn thing seems to have latched onto her and just won't let go. I have never seen so much snot come out of a kid's nose like I have with hers lately. Then I have the stuffy head and sore throat thing going on. I think I've had a slight fever too. That or maybe I'm going through early menopause. Hope not!

Aside from not very successfully avoiding the negative thing about Fall of being sick, we are enjoying Fall. It really is such a great time of the year. Averi is super excited about Halloween. Having little kids just makes this time of the year so exciting again! In so many ways it's like we get to be kids again. I can look forward to trick or treating again. And all that candy! We monitor Ave's sugar, junk food intake fairly well. The kid has a ridiculous amount of energy as it is; she does need anything else to fuel that engine of hers. But since there's still Halloween, Christmas, and Easter candy in our cabinet, obviously Nate and I aren't that big of candy eaters either. Those reese peanut butter cups and snicker bars won't last long though.

I always look forward to the cooler weather with open windows, sweaters and boots, and falling leaves. Then comes Thanksgiving and from there it's the Christmas season! Christmas with little kids is so magical. I will be so sad when my kids no longer believe in Santa Claus. It will break my heart all over again. And their Christmas lists just keep growing and growing. I think Mommy and Daddy see more things they want than they do themselves. That's always such a fun date for Nate and I anyway dinner and christmas shopping. Even though I want my kids to experience picking out a real Christmas tree we are not spending the astronomical amount we spent last year. If it's going to be that much again, our tree farm will be Lowes. Then last year we did not only get tricked into buying a very crooked almost $100 tree but it fell off our SUV on 695! So hoping for a better real tree experience this Christmas.

Aside from being sick the girls are doing great. Averi loves school, and she's learning so much. She can pretty much write her name now. As well as her letters up to E I think. She finally sings her ABCs with all of the ABCs. She likes dance but not soccer so much. She likes it when she's kicking a ball by herself but not so much when there are ten kids swarming around a ball, pushing and shoving each other to kick it. Aggressive sports may not be her forte, but she is only three so we'll check back in a few years.

 

Kenzi on the other hand is the school bully and may need to be in about five aggressive sports to manage her anger problem. That girl has spoken her mind since she was born. Now she torments her older sister at times as well as her poor BFF at daycare. I've said for months now that that girl is going to speak to her mind. I m hoping as she learns to talk and communicate in some other than screaming here sometime soon. But she is getting close to walking. Which even though I've been through this once and they say it only gets harder after they start walking, I'm ready for to be able to walk. And the Averi better watch out! But on the other hand considering their escapades with the crib and carseat, maybe Nate and I better watch out!

A parent's gift

So I've started this blog about three times this week I think. Just like it's been for the last month it's been another week or highs and lows. I always feel like in the beginning of the week I got this working mom juggling act down and then by the end of the week I feel like ducking down and covering my head to keep all the balls from bouncing off my head. But I know I am not alone on this struggle. I follow many of my friend's same struggle through either their blogs or facebook posts or telephone calls as is the case with my sister, and they give me hope and inspire me everyday that this is possible and we are doing right by the choices we've made. For many of us, our own mothers were able to stay home with us and we are the first women in our families to be full time working mommas. I look up to so many of these women, whether they're the veteran moms I work with or my coworkers that completely know the balance we must have with our job and families at home or my long time friends that are experiencing similiar situations with new babies and full time jobs. It is a tough job but one that is so worth it everyday for so many different reasons.

I will often say to my husband how maybe I should stay home but even as often as I say that I know teaching has become a part of who I am, and I really couldn't walk away from it as easily as I say I could sometimes. At this point in my ninth year of teaching I have probably worked with close to a thousand students, and as challenging as they can be sometimes, I also find their stories heartbreaking but so inspiring at the same time. And the thing I find so achingly sad is how many parents are too busy for their kids. I've coached five different seasons and after reading countless personal narratives and poems, it absolutely breaks my heart to hear over and over again how sometimes the only thing these kids want are for their parents to come to their game, come see them sing, come watch them in the school play, but they're too tired, too drunk, too busy, or just not there for whatever reason. People that don't truly know and understand teenagers will bad mouth them and talk like they're all these crazed, angry adolescents, but a lot of them really do respect their parents and just crave their positive attention and when you show them you care and listen and be there for them, they're good kids just waiting for someone to listen to their story and cheer them on in their endeavors. Some of these kids have experienced things many will never have to experience in their lives, some of them are here in this country alone chasing a dream of opportunties that too many of us take for granted, and it's their perseverance that inspires me that anything is possible.

I look at my own daugthers everyday and know that the best thing we can give them is our unconditional love, shower them in positive attention, and be there for them in every endeavor them embark upon. Unfortunately, from mine and my husband's experience with teaching I feel that a stable home is less common than an unstable home. I know now how incredibly lucky I was for the upbrining I received and that it was incredible gift my parents gave to me and my sisters, and for reasons that are understandable and reasons that aren't this is not always possible.  This is a gift I know my husband and I work so hard together to give our girls.

I listen to all our struggles as I mentioned earlier and just as most thing in life are never really easy, I know I am surrounded by strong, inspiring women that understand everything that goes into filling this role that we fill. Even though the adjustment back to work with two babies has been rather rough at times, I'm going to focus on the positive that I have amazing people in my life that make everything I do totally worth even the craziest moments. First, my students because I continue to teach because many of you inspire me, my fellow mommas because I look up to you whether your babies are grown or newbies, my own mother and father because they also made me who I am whether they like it or not (haha) and provided us with a beautiful childhood, my sister and cousin, who is like another sister, for always being my first supporters and listening ear as the three of us have embarked on motherhood together,  my husband who is my rock way more than he realizes and who has been through all the ups and downs and crazy moments these last eight and half years, and my beautiful, sweet daughters that make me want to be the best for them to show them that life is beautiful and still full of hope and dreams.


                                                           My big girl starting preschool

                                                          Kenzi cheering on the Steelers

                                                          Family date night at Port Discovery

A mother's worst fear

As a mother there is no doubt that we all share the same worst fear. And that fear is something happening to our child(ren). Earlier this week there was a school shooting in one of the other high schools in our district. Not too long ago, we all listened in horror to the details of the Batman shooting rampage in Colorado. I also learned of a classmate who passed away recently, just a few years after his younger brother. Once you've become a mother, none of these deaths, even though you may not even know the child, goes unnoticed.

News of these incidents strike horror into your heart and the first person you think of is that poor child's mother. And father because I know without a doubt my husband, the father of my children, would be just as devasted as I would be. And I will continue to think about them often. A friend's 10 year old cousin died from a brain tumor years ago, and I still think of that little girl and her parents often. The weekend I was going to get married, the younger sister of a girl I knew years before, drowned in a flash flood. And there are many more I remember. Both mine and Nate's grandparents have had to experience the loss of a child  that died in their early 40s, as well as my friend whose mother has lost two of her children already, and even though they're not 10 or 16, their deaths are still heartbreaking and just as hard to bear. A mother still lost her child.

These stories haunt me and in a lot of ways even though I may not have known some of them personally I think they will forever because as a mother now it is my very worst fear that I will experience the unbearable pain they've had to and will continue to  experience. And the awful thing is every time you hear one of these horrible stories, you're heartbroken yes but thankful it's not you and praying  that for whatever reason you are spared from having to experience the most devasting experience imaginable.

I am a firm believer in God, but it doesn't change that I don't understand. Why are some given so much heartache and others spared? I believe we continue to live on once we have left our earthly bodies, and that those that have passed have gone on to a better place, but even the reassurance of that doesn't lessen my fear. And I thank Him every day for my family and the incredible blessings in my life and pray that He keeps my children safe and healthy. And not only do I fear such a horrible event in my life but I fear what it would do to my relationship to Him. I wouldn't doubt his existence but I don't know if I'd ever get past the anger of why.

So what do we do? Do we hide our children? Do we never let them leave home? We can't put them in a bubble. It's a scary world out there. I tell myself to trust in God, have faith in the good of humanity, and raise my children to have faith and make smart choices to avoid situations that put them in harm's way. But the darkness of the world always lurks there in the background.

My heart aches for all those parents out there that have had to experience such devastion. I hope you have found peace. I learned long ago, at the age of twelve to be exact, when I saw a parent, a brother, a sister, a daughter and son, wife, lose their son, brother, father, and husband, that nothing is guaranteed to us in this life. And to tell the people you love that you love them,and make the most of every moment because no matter how long the people we love are here for it's always too short.  God bless.

Here, there, and everywhere

That's about the way my mind feels. Something about the beginning of this school year is just... off. But at the same time I feel excited about work in a way I haven't been in a few years and I have a good feeling in my gut that it's going to be a good year. Maybe it's because I am so excited about so many new things at work and outside of work that has me feeling like I'm running a marathan at a sprint and I'm in dead last. I haven't yet gotten into a rhythm with all the new changes this year.

I'm a floater, which means I don't have a classroom, which I will gladly give up to be back in the building and have access to all the technology I have this year. So I'm having to spend a lot more time planning in order to include more technology and get ready for the new curriculum that is coming out  next year. But because I float I feel like I have my stuff everywhere! Being the organized control freak that I am it drives me a little crazy. I'm also thinking this is not going to be one of my more enjoyable schedules. I feel like about the time I finally get settled into working on something during a break between classes the bell is ringing for the next one to start. I am not in one place for more than 45 minutes all day. I'm transitioning like I'm on an assembly line every 40 minutes to get ready for the next place I'm moving to.

I'm excited about Averi starting school Tuesday! And Kenzi is loving spending her days with her BFF Lily and her grandma. But, I haven't quite fallen into the rhythm yet with dropping off and picking up since last year they were here at the house. And Em and I have enjoyed just lounging around her basement, hanging out in the afternoons while the girls play. After spending our afternoons together for two volleyball seasons it's nice to still hang out but with our girls instead of at practice. And we've even managed to fit in a few walks a week, even with Averi's constant whining of late.

Unfortunately, even right now the evenings have felt rush, rush, rush. For the first time ever, thanks I think to my youngest daughter, I have been making my family stick to a rigid schedule. I've always felt like the only mom that wasn't sold on the constant early to bed regime. But for two weeks now, even if it's the crappiest dinner ever because Nate's not home from work yet and I have to cook, we are eating dinner by 630, kids bathed and getting ready for bed (or quiet time with a movie in her room for Ave) between 7 and 730, house is cleaned up and whatever chores need to be done for the day are finished by 8. Which still with two hours until my bedtime, those hours have felt rushed with my own bath, getting stuff together to do it all over again, and sitting down at the computer to do school work. For the purpose of my sanity, I like the strict routine schedule. But I question myself as to whether I'm putting them to bed so early for their benefit or my own so I can take care of more crap on my to do list and maybe give my brain some time to shut down. For a working momma, the day really does need to be longer than 24 hours. I wonder if we can ask Congress about that? Once I go to bed, I still can't even go to sleep because I'm jumping out of bed every five minutes to write something down on my little sticky notes for this or that because my brain will NOT come out of overdrive. I really wish it had a power button I could push for it to just shut down for a few hours like every other computer.
                                   This is what we really do to the girls in the afternoon at Em's.

So, I don't know. I'm a little overwhelmed. But I'm definitely staying positive and have a good feeling about things. It will all find it's rhythm and I won't be so overcharged.