Tuesday, January 26, 2016

January 26,2015 to January 26, 2016: The Final Stretch

I couldn't help this morning but to remember what I woke up knowing on this day last year. Sometimes I find myself trapped in what happened  this day a year ago and so focused on that long awaited moment that awaits us in April when our baby boy finally arrives.

But I woke up today and saw once again the beauty in where we are right now. The year between last and where I am right now mattered A LOT. The past is important but it doesn't have to steal our present or future. We can look to the future in excited anticipation, but we're not living there yet. So much happens between the two for not just me in our journey to baby #3 but in everything we do for any of us. There's value in our struggles.  Our struggles at times may define us more than our victories. It is our struggles that make our victories victories. There's a whole story, a whole journey in between that matters.  If we only see the victories than we don't really see what was gained. Because what was gained was how we changed and how we grew.

Has the past year from that miscarriage to now been easy? No. But it's reinforced to me that our journeys cannot and will not be perfect. Life is meant to be a beautiful mess. The right moment isn't in what's to come or what has passed; it's in the journey from where we were to where we're going.

The irony of what this day represented a year ago and how it marks the start of my third trimester (the final thirteen weeks) of this pregnancy this year is not missed by me. If  you know me, you know I do not find coincidence in these things. We are down to the final stretch here. It has been a long, at times emotionally exhausting, journey to even get here, but these last few months could still feel like the longest three months of my life!

There was the emotional trauma of last year's miscarriage a year ago today, my own internal battle of  whether to face another pregnancy after two miscarriages, the paranoia of another miscarriage the first trimester of this pregnancy, the strange anxiety insomnia and dreams that occurred in those few weeks between the end of the first trimester and the 20 week ultrasound scan which lead to me being worried something was wrong before I knew anything was wrong, the second trimester of extra doctor appointments and research of possibilities with the mass on his heart and genetic disorder concern, and now here we are the final thirteen weeks with still no definite answers on the tumor diagnosis of his heart and the anticipated diagnostic testing, extra doctor appointments, and treatment plans we'll have to face after he's born. Again, these could be the longest three months ever. But I am ready. I got this. I had one little setback the other day when the wrong person said the wrong thing to me (I know they meant well but honestly this is typical of them so I should have expected it)  and seeing the diagnostic possibilities in print even though I've heard them in doctor consultations kind of threw me off.

But not only do I have faith that it's all going to work out okay in the end whether that end is when he's checked out after birth or later down the road after his received medical attention or on a manageable treatment plan, I've also found my worry about the transition of two to three and balancing three kids is no longer a huge concern that it once was (going from one to two was HARD for me so think it kind of mentally traumatized me lol). We got this. We will all be okay.

As much as we've talked about growing our family for years and thought we'd already have our three kids by now, when I look back I don't really know if I was ready for that. The time then really wasn't right. But I'm there now. I can confidently say I am ready now. I'm in the right frame of mind to do this, face the medical issues ahead, adjust to a family of five after being four for four years.

So let's do this. We got a room left to finish, a name to nail down, baby shopping to still do, and we're going to be ready to have a baby! When I finally get to hold him in my arms the road to that moment will have been totally worth it.


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