Over my past eight years of marriage as parents I’ve watched
other parents leave their kids behind with family for anywhere from a few days
to weeks to take trips or true vacations alone with their significant other.
I’ve often caught myself looking at them in two different ways- one in envy
that they got to take a trip without their kids and two- how selfish of them to
take a trip without their kids. But as the first few years of motherhood
started to close in towards a decade of motherhood one of the most valuable
things I started to learn was just as there has to be balance in motherhood on
so many different levels that also applies to the balance between our
selflessness and selfishness. We’re all so easy to condemn the one that appears
to exercise too much selfishness and praise the one that exhibits so much
selflessness. But there’s hidden danger in selflessness I’ve found. To give and
give and give of ourselves to our careers, our kids, our homes, and everyone
else but ourselves leads to resentment, anger, depression, and a sense of loss-
a loss of ourselves.
I have maxed myself out too often, thinking the more I can
load and manage on my plate the “better” I must be. But more is almost always a
false illusion of better. But really even though my juggling act may look
impressive on the outside sometimes it’s a racetrack of collision on the
inside. Too often I think I need to be in the fast lane, knocking one thing
after another off my to do list, and around and around I go each day, tackling
a new lists of obstacles and to dos. Sure more times than not I get it done.
But as I was racing around the track, more times than not I’m leaving too many
things I just mulled right over in the dust in my rush to getting ahead to the
next thing.
Between my sometimes highly stressful job, the demands of a
house, three kids, even two pets, and just everyday life marriage too often comes at the bottom of the list and is the thing left
in the dust on my race around the obstacle course that is my motherhood life. Between
myself and marriage those two things get tossed back and forth with being last
on my things to take care of. The work we have to put into our marriage is some
of the hardest work we’ll put into our lives-even harder than raising our kids
I believe because we love them unconditionally just as they love us
unconditionally- but the love of a marriage is a choice. A choice we have to
make over and over again past that initial “I do”. But just as marriage is the hardest work it is also
the easiest and too often the first work we abandon over and over again. We
abandon it for our careers, for what needs to be done around the house, for
many of life’s ongoing responsibilities, for our own personal interests and
pursuits, and probably the most for our kids because as parents we put their
needs above our own more times than not. Disney likes to convince little girls
that marriage is the finish line but it is really just the starting line. The true work to happily ever after is just
beginning with that “I do”.
Here’s the thing I've learned about marriage. It’s so easy to think it
doesn’t require more attention than it’s getting sometimes. When I look at my
marriage I see a great team. We’re great at raising kids, we’re great partners
at managing the day in and day out work of running our household with balancing
our two careers, and though I think we rock as a team I’m
not so sure how good we are at marriage sometimes. We don’t get much time
alone. We have no family around for hundreds of miles, and with three young
children we rarely spend the money to get a baby sitter for a night out. Our
kids end up in our beds more times than not. We’re both busy and often
overwhelmed with our responsibilities at home and work that by the end of the day we're too tired to put much effort into ourselves or each other.
Would it give you some alone time without kids sleeping in
between you? Would it allow you to sit at dinner and enjoy live entertainment
like you use to without the kids whining that they’re bored or have to go potty
for the fifth time since you left the house? Would you be able to venture out
on some excursions or into a place you couldn’t normally go because it wasn’t
kid safe or appropriate? Would you be able to reconnect with each other like
you use to so many moons ago before kids came along and at times between you?
Here’s the thing- your dinner conversations might still be
about the kids. You might end every day talking about what each kid would have
loved and hated about the day you just had. You are going to miss your
kids at times. Maybe more than they actually missed you. But you’ll glimpse a
little bit of who the two of you used to be before you became partners for life
in this parenthood thing. So drop the kids off with family whether it be for a long weekend or a full week and take the trip with your significant other. Do it for yourself and your marriage. They both deserve you to put them first for a time. The to do lists, the responsibilities, the work, and yes even the kids can wait.
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