Relieved or Disappointed?

That 25 year old girl that stood at the alter with her soon to be husband imagined and wanted a future with three or four kids. The 27 year old woman that welcomed that first baby girl still envisioned that she'd experience that surreal moment of meeting her baby for the first time at least two more times. The 30 year old mother who welcomed her second baby girl did not see all that baby's firsts as her last because she still imagined the bigger family of at least three kids. But now that almost 34 year old mother of two isn't sure what she wants anymore.

In the last year we've gone through the hope of finally bringing that envisioned third baby into our family to only be faced with the disappointment of losing it. As we've moved through trying for the third time for the third baby, with each month that passes I am left with trying to figure out if the feelings I feel are feelings of disappointment or relief. I have always been a girl that knows what I want and goes after what she wants. But at 33, at a point in my life where I assume I shouldn't feel so unsure and uncertain, I am faced with realizing I don't really know what I want.

Do I feel relieved  because it's an easier than facing the disappointment? Do I feel relieved because maybe deep down another baby isn't really what I want but what I think I want because others want it for us? Do I feel relief because for another month I avoid the daily fear of worrying if it's going to happen again and that not just me but the girls and Nate are going to get their hopes up to just end up disappointed again? Do I feel relieved because I'm scared and not ready yet to take on the emotional rollercoaster that I anticipate coming with the change of another baby?

I am not a run or avoid change kind of person. Usually I look for new change the way my girls look to change their clothes multiple times in one day. But our life is in a good place with balance, with each other, with work,  with the girls getting older, with finances and the house; however, as much as I have tackled change with moving, work, adding babies, taking on new commitments I also know all too well change is a lot of work, change is a lot of stress, not just on me but on my relationships. Am I relieved because I fear my capabilities to take it all on?

Or am I disappointed? Just as my newsfeed overloaded with the births of everyone's babies around the time the first pregnancy would have been due now as I close in on the due date of the second loss pregnancy my feed seems to fill with so many third pregnancy announcements. I am happy for my friends and family so please do not doubt that but can't help feeling disappointed for myself. Why do they get to have more children and I don't? Was I really not ready? Will I ever be ready? If not, why?

Am I disappointed because I feel that I let that 25 year old girl standing at the alter or that 27 year old first time mother down? Am I disappointed because I can't be what she envisioned. Am I relieved so I don't have to be disappointed? Or am I disappointed because deep down each month I feel relieved?

Here's the thing I do know though. This is part of my journey; I don't know if I fully understand the why of it. But I believe one day I will look back and understand why it all played out the way it did. For now I just hope I can have patience and have peace in the end with whatever the final outcome is.