Tuesday, December 8, 2015

20 Weeks: Neverending worries and ready but not ready

I use to think Averi was going to be my kid that kept me up at night worrying. By age four we had the agonizing wait for testing on a mass they found behind her knee that thankfully turned out to be cyst, 21 day treatment for lyme disease from a tick bite, stitches to the forehead, and the time we had to almost call the fire department when she got her head stuck in the lazy Susan pulls a close fourth in four incidents in the first four years.

But this boy isn't even here, and I feel like all I've done is worry. Unfortunately, today's 20 week antamony didn't ease my neverending anxiety. The doctor was concerned about a thickened wall between the ventricles of his heart so we have to go see a pediatric cardiologist for a echocardiogram on Monday. It could be nothing or it could be some kind of congenital heart defect which can be a whole range of minor to bigger concerns. So another week of tossing and turning and weird sleep patterns.

I mentioned earlier I had a strange feeling but at the same time even though it seemed worrisome I felt and still do that it's all going to work out fine. Whether that is after next week or 15-20 weeks from now when he's here I don't know. I have been restless now for 17 weeks so any prayers that I'll finally have some peace and get to enjoy this last pregnancy at this point would be greatly appreciated.

Aside from this concern though baby boy (no name yet) looked great. He's an active little guy. He was moving all over the place and wasn't very cooperative. And he's still a boy! At this point they're about 10 ounces but he weighs 12 ounces. I have never been so ready for one of my babies to be here. With the first I think I was just in that first baby naïve bubble the whole nine months; with my second I was ready for her by the time I hit about my seventh month, but this time I think I've been ready since about 13 weeks! However, besides a few outfits we have NOTHING ready for him. Our baby stuff is just dumped in his room, and the whole room needs to be repainted and furnished. There's not even a crib in there yet. I may be ready for him but we're not actually prepared for a baby in the house yet. That will be our beginning of 2016 goal.

 I will try to pray more and worry less this week because my experiences have taught me that He does hear and answer our prayers.
I will continue to start my prayers with what I'm thankful and remember as much as I may want to complain about the physical pains of pregnancy and mental struggle of it this time I am incredibly thankful that after everything we have this little boy to welcome into our family in 2016.
There are many things I've had to work for in my life and this little boy is the little boy I almost quit on before he even existed but like everything else it may not be the smoothest path to get where we're going but like everything else there's no quitting. When the going gets tough you just get tougher, isn't that what they say?

If that dream I had is true just like the dream that he was a boy then it will all be fine in the end when him and I will finally meet in a few more months.


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