Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Some days I want to just be Mommy

This has kind of been a rough week and it's ONLY Tuesday. This is the kind of week where as much as I wish time would hurry up so it'll be the weekend or better yet it'll be summer vacation, I just want to freeze time. Like in one of those movies where all the craziness around me-my students, grading, planning, bills, housekeeping, laundry, dishes-all stop and it's just me and Nate with our kids in our own little time bubble.

We could stop and run around smelling the flowers and not think about those thinks like the passage of time and what needs to be done by a certain time. I just want to have a moment to enjoy them without the demanding voice of time in my ear. As much as I will at times say how I can't wait until Averi decides it's embarrassing to sleep in mommy and daddy's bed, or that she'll be old enough so she can go into a public bathroom by herself without running away from the automatic flushing tiolet in fear, or that she won't splash water literally all over my bathroom because she thinks she's a fish, I will miss her childlike adventure.  As much as I anxiously wait for the time when  Kenzi will be able to talk to tell me what she wants rather than throw herself on the ground in an upset rage, or a time when  I won't have to worry about her on the stairs, or even when I won't have to hide the dog's water bowl to keep her from playing in it, I will miss her little mischief toddler attitude.  There are so many things about their little small selves I will miss.

I will miss Averi singing to Kenzi to make her happy or making up her song to tell us how's she's sad about something. I will miss seeing their excitement when we walk in the door from work or being gone too long. I will miss Averi's cute little thumbs up when she's done some simple gymnastic's routine. I will miss Averi's totally inappriopriate but often hilarious things that come out of her mouth because I'm assuming one day she will develop a filter. I will miss gettting excited that they can say their ABCs, write their name, count past ten. I will miss Kenzi's little twirling dance move that she does when music comes on, I will miss how she adamantly chooses her own book to take to her crib every night, I will miss her happy baby gibberish in the car all the way to work every morning.

They will outgrown these simple but adorable childish things. They will become the big girls Averi always talks about, and as excited as I am for all the wonderful mother/daugther moments that come as your daughters grow I know I will miss their childlike innocence and their constant dependability on us. One day they will be grown and won't need me as much. One day I will be mom or mother and not mommy anymore. The baby I crave to cuddle in my lap or rock in my chair will be a grown, beautiful woman ready to chase her ambitions on her own. She will be ready to spread her wings and fly while I am left in the rocking chair with the beautiful memories of wild, funny, and demanding babes that made my life crazy and hectic but made me laugh and made my cry. Just for a bit I want to still the hands of time and treasure these wonderful, gone too fast but in the moment never seem like they'll end, moments of motherhood. I want to hold their youth and innocence just a little longer.

I just want a moment to be two little girl's mommy and not all the other hats I must wear. I want to read another story, take another short walk that takes a half hour on toddler legs, roll around in the grass in laughter, color in the coloring book a little longer, sing songs and hold hands, and snuggle in that rocking chair or in that bed for just a little longer. Today I really want to just be mommy.

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