Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Time for some Mom Confessing

I am a fiercely stubborn person. I have been set on doing things my own way and on my own for according to my parents since shortly after birth. I am independent and have always prided myself on taking care of myself since I started working at sixteen and paying my own way. However, over the last few years I've started to learn I really can't do everything.  What I want and what I get or can do are two different things. This is something that has been very hard for me to learn and admit. Too often I take on too much, sometimes by choice and sometimes because I feel it's necessary in some way, and when I do is when I start making mistakes left and right. Then when I do that I start lashing out at people. After an incident the other day, I admitted to Nate I wasn't throwing one of my ranting fits because I was mad at him, I was mad at myself. I was mad at myself because I hate seeing that I can't take care of it all; I hate having to admit I need help. I am also a bit of a control freak and having to relinquish control is difficult for people like me.

Not only do I have to learn that I can't do everything but that it's okay to cut back. I love to load up my plate, I love to show that I can balance so many things, but as I said before sometimes I'm not so great at balancing so many different things. More isn't always better. I need to learn  when and where to cut back.

 Aside from admitting I can't do everything the way I like to think I can and that I need to learn where to cut back, the other confession is admitting that maybe the medicine that my family has insisted I check into getting has helped with balancing me out and keeping me from getting so down.  I've mentioned before that I was depressed last year and possibly for some time before that. Again, here comes that stubbornness of mine. I stubbornly refused to see a doctor, I stubbornly chose to see being depressed as something I could control. I could choose happy. I was just in a bad mood every other day, but I was not going to be drugged up to control my personality or behavior. However, after crying meltdowns at work, in the shower, and frequent temper flare ups, I finally mentioned something to my doctor, who suggested bloodwork. And the bloodwork showed that I had a hormonal imbalance due to something with my thyroid gland that would have to be adjusted with medication for the rest of my life. That hormonal imbalance was probably what was contributing to my depression and moodiness. This past weekend when meltdown Ang came back I had ran out of my prescription mid week and hadn't had time to refill them yet. Maybe it was just coincidence, but it was enough to convince me maybe there was something medically wrong with me and I should just accept the doctor's prescribed help.

Having to take one little pill a day wasn't going to alter who I was. I like to think as much as I'm a fairly confident person, I'm pretty aware of multiple shortcomings and flaws to my character. I have a handful of my own insecurities that for the most part I hide fairly well, but acknowledging these two things is hard for me maybe because that independent, always able to do everything herself girl has been a part of who I am ever since I've been me. I can't and I don't have to control everything, and I am slowly learning to let that go. But anyone that is an independent controlling personality knows that's a lot easier said than done so wish me luck.

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1 comment:

  1. I can relate to this...I don't like to rely on anything or anybody I want to do everything by myself, maybe I was always like this or maybe circumstances in my life created this in me
    . I am leaning toward it being a little of both. My mom says her kids are stubborn like their father. lol