Letting My Faith be Bigger than My Fears

My newsfeed in the last week or so has just been blowing up with newborn babies from my friends to my own plethora of pictures I uploaded of my new baby nephew who made his way into the world early yesterday morning. First, I want to say I am so happy for my friends who for the most part are welcoming their second babies and my wonderful sister as she welcomed her third baby. I don't want what I'm about to share to take away from these wonderful moments as I know they are some of the most blessed moments life has to offer. In this new beginning time of the year I wish all of you welcoming new additions to your family a blessed and happy future.

This week also oddly marks the two months since our last miscarriage and in one week is April, which marks the month we were to be expecting our addition to our family with our first expected pregnancy and the month we would have found out the gender from our second expected pregnancy. So yesterday when I found myself in an internal battle not to let everyone else's happiness get me down, I again came across the message about letting my faith be bigger than my fears (the first time I got this message was about a week after January's miscarriage).

One of the many who shared their own personal experiences with me after I shared mine in January told me how experiencing something like this is kind of it's own grieving process and to not be too hard on myself for experiencing moments of sadness. Most of the time I would say I've accepted what happened and am moving forward. Really in many ways I am doing so much better and in such a happier place than I have been in years.

But right now I do cling to the hope that maybe someday our family will grow; we've always envisioned a bigger family. Honestly it's that hope that I think keeps me from letting the two miscarriages in five months get me down too much.  Recently I read another's post about their own experience with miscarriage in which she wrote about accepting that maybe the actual number of children she would have was going to be less than she had always hoped. I wish I could find her article now because she did a great job articulating that feeling of being grateful for what you already have but saddened in a way that made you feel incomplete because she had to give up her vision, her dream of what she imagined her completed family to be.

When I think about having to possibly accept that reality some day myself it saddens me, but just like her I know I'm incredibly blessed with what we do have. What we have is enough. But even though I can rationalize all of this in my head, it's still hard to not let the negative emotions in too when I see all these blessed babies and growing families.

There's a small part of me that thinks that should have been us too. Why aren't we getting to welcome our third addition like so and so? Even though I'm uncertain at this time what the future holds for our hopes of growing our family like we always planned, I remind myself that I have to let my faith be bigger than my fears. Whatever is meant to be will be in it's own time. I have found myself at these uncertain crossroads before and faith has always lead me to where I/we were suppose to be.

 

I'm My Worst Mom on Thursday

Did you know Thursday is probably my least favorite day of the week? In fact when it comes to work days, Monday is probably one my favorites because it's usually a lower stress day.

By Thursday I am done. Overcooked like a damn turkey. Four nights in a row of  fighting with a sleeping toddler that thinks she needs to sleep upside down on top of the covers has probably limited my actual sleep to about five to six hours a night. My Mary Poppins patience has expired by Wednesday sometime so between dealing with other people's children all day and then my two the rest of the day, I have little tolerance for people in general, particularly miniature people that cry and whine a lot when they're tired.

I am short with my children by Thursday. I don't feel like taking care of my house anymore by Thursday. I don't have the energy or desire to go out and play with them like I did earlier in the week. Then I feel guilty for just wanting to be alone or do nothing. Then because I'm tired, out of patience with the human race, and now feel guilty I'm just incredibly grumpy sometimes by Thursday.

It was when at the front counter of ordering pizza tonight when I snapped at my daughter in what must have been my "I'm over this week" voice and my husband told me to chill out and check myself that I realized "man, I'm a real bitch by Thursday."

I've hated Thursday for a long time because I always feel my worse at that point, but it wasn't until tonight that I realize how much I let the exhaustion of the week put me in the running for worst mom of the year. Or maybe just the week. But just for Thursday.

I feel like a good mom on Monday and Tuesday. I think the kids still think I'm a pretty good mom on Wednesday. Friday we're all like zombies, including the kids, so that's like a dead day so we won't count that. Saturdays, well I guess it depends on if it's a fight or not to get everyone to help with the Saturday morning chores. But my Sunday I'm on my way back to feeling like superstar mom.

Are there certain days of the week that you feel like you bring  your A game to motherhood? Then other days of the week that you just don't got it that day.

Do you have your copy of my book,  Moms, Monsters, Media & Margaritas ? It examines the expectations and perceptions of motherhood in our modern day 21st century digital world. Check it out if you haven't. You can also read the latest review on it and follow the ebook links here.



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The Happier, More Accepting World of Childhood

I've loved little kids since I was probably not much more than a little kid myself. I guess even as I was losing my own innocence I've always been enthralled by the innocence and carefreeness of childhood. Why do we ever have to leave it?

I understand  why Holden wanted to be keep children in the rye and catch them before their fall from innocence would open their eyes to the harsh realities of adulthood. Not only is it about learning how unfair life is but so much else is lost and left behind as we enter adulthood.

I love listening to my girls' dreams and ideals for the future. I love the hope that is so clearly seen in their eyes and I know burns bright in their hearts. Yet, I know there will be a time when the doubt and criticism that comes with adulthood will sneak in, and that light that burns within them will start to flicker and dim.

I could watch them run and play all day. I love the freedom in which they play without a care in the world. But I know one day that freedom will be limited with responsibilities and obligations, and as much as I want them to grow up to be responsible contributing citizens to society, it still saddens me to know it comes at a price to that carefreeness of childhood freedom.

One of the things I've always been in awe about with children is their perception of humanity and one another. At first before they're exposed to adults for too long they don't see black and white, rich and poor, Christian or Muslim, and even if they see someone that is clearly different than themselves such as someone disabled  their finger pointing isn't about judgment but curiousity.

Unfortunately, you can see as they grow, depending on how much hate and judgment their exposed to from the adult world, this hate and judgment develops. The adult world hardens us. Not only do the harsh circumstances of life that are out of our control make us sometimes bitter towards life but one another at times as well. We lose our own hope and want to diminish others. Childhood curiousity is replaced with criticism for not meeting a certain "acceptable standard" . 

Maybe I've always been drawn to children and childhood because it's a happier, more accepting world. If you haven't visited it in awhile I strongly suggest it's a world you immerse yourself in for a time and allow yourself the opportunity to experience the world again as a child. There's a freedom and hope to childhood that we all need to hold on to as long as possible.


Do you have your copy of my book,  Moms, Monsters, Media & Margaritas ? It examines the expectations and perceptions of motherhood in our modern day 21st century digital world. Check it out if you haven't. You can also read the latest review on it and follow the ebook links here.


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How your Sex Life after Kids is Like a Teenager's

In many ways your sex life changes as you grow older and add kids and everything else to the mix. However in a moment where we weren't necessarily caught so to speak but something embarrassingly funny (sorry I'm not going to share) happened Nate and I found ourselves amused with how sex after kids is in some ways similar to sex or virgin sex relations when you're a teenager, assuming of course you weren't the angelic good girl.

1. The art of being sneaky
Obviously if you weren't the angelic good girl and just giving Prince Charming pecks on the cheek under your parents' watchful eye, you experienced the thrill of sneaking around to you know do whatever it was that you were doing away from your parents' watchful eyes. After kids you don't have to pretend to the be angelic good girl anymore but damn if those little eyes aren't way more watchful eyes than parents ever thought about being. It's like they can sense when you're doing something they don't want you to see, which leads to number 2.

2. The guilty jumping apart
Remember that heart stopping moment when a parent walks in even if it's just catching you kissing. I haven't yet decided which one is more of an "uh oh" moment. Getting caught by my parents or my kids. They both result in jumping as far from each other as you possibly can, trying to convince either that it was just a figment of their imagination that saw the two of you so close together. This fear of not separating fast enough is what leads to #3.


3. Listening with one ear
Unfortunately, when you're trying to be sneaky and avoid being caught, it's hard to be fully in the "moment" because you have one ear attuned to everything else going on outside of  that "moment". Then with every little threatened noise you're stopping, then restarting, then there's a noise again, so you're stopping, then starting, and then you're thinking again "is this worth all the hassle?"



Do you have your copy of my book,  Moms, Monsters, Media & Margaritas ? It's only $8! Check it out if you haven't. You can also read the latest review on it and follow the ebook links here.

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Review of "Momma Don't Worry"

I recently reviewed a children's ebook Momma Don't Worry with my girls. The book is about a six year old little boy, who like my own six year old daughter, thinks he's so big and independent now. When his mother still insists that he holds her hand he claims he's too old for something so childish and uncool.

Then like my own daughter has done before in the store he wanders over to look at something away from his mother and the next thing he knows he can't find his mother. In that moment of panic and fear, he realizes that it's "I know  you know what lies ahead so you go ahead and steer".

The book has a cute rhyme and is a very quick read for those little attention spans. I highly recommend it for all you parents with young stubbornly independent children. You can upload your ebook copy to share with your kids on the Amazon Kindle or Barnes and Noble Nook for $1.29.