Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Letting My Faith be Bigger than My Fears

My newsfeed in the last week or so has just been blowing up with newborn babies from my friends to my own plethora of pictures I uploaded of my new baby nephew who made his way into the world early yesterday morning. First, I want to say I am so happy for my friends who for the most part are welcoming their second babies and my wonderful sister as she welcomed her third baby. I don't want what I'm about to share to take away from these wonderful moments as I know they are some of the most blessed moments life has to offer. In this new beginning time of the year I wish all of you welcoming new additions to your family a blessed and happy future.

This week also oddly marks the two months since our last miscarriage and in one week is April, which marks the month we were to be expecting our addition to our family with our first expected pregnancy and the month we would have found out the gender from our second expected pregnancy. So yesterday when I found myself in an internal battle not to let everyone else's happiness get me down, I again came across the message about letting my faith be bigger than my fears (the first time I got this message was about a week after January's miscarriage).

One of the many who shared their own personal experiences with me after I shared mine in January told me how experiencing something like this is kind of it's own grieving process and to not be too hard on myself for experiencing moments of sadness. Most of the time I would say I've accepted what happened and am moving forward. Really in many ways I am doing so much better and in such a happier place than I have been in years.

But right now I do cling to the hope that maybe someday our family will grow; we've always envisioned a bigger family. Honestly it's that hope that I think keeps me from letting the two miscarriages in five months get me down too much.  Recently I read another's post about their own experience with miscarriage in which she wrote about accepting that maybe the actual number of children she would have was going to be less than she had always hoped. I wish I could find her article now because she did a great job articulating that feeling of being grateful for what you already have but saddened in a way that made you feel incomplete because she had to give up her vision, her dream of what she imagined her completed family to be.

When I think about having to possibly accept that reality some day myself it saddens me, but just like her I know I'm incredibly blessed with what we do have. What we have is enough. But even though I can rationalize all of this in my head, it's still hard to not let the negative emotions in too when I see all these blessed babies and growing families.

There's a small part of me that thinks that should have been us too. Why aren't we getting to welcome our third addition like so and so? Even though I'm uncertain at this time what the future holds for our hopes of growing our family like we always planned, I remind myself that I have to let my faith be bigger than my fears. Whatever is meant to be will be in it's own time. I have found myself at these uncertain crossroads before and faith has always lead me to where I/we were suppose to be.


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