A mother's worst fear

As a mother there is no doubt that we all share the same worst fear. And that fear is something happening to our child(ren). Earlier this week there was a school shooting in one of the other high schools in our district. Not too long ago, we all listened in horror to the details of the Batman shooting rampage in Colorado. I also learned of a classmate who passed away recently, just a few years after his younger brother. Once you've become a mother, none of these deaths, even though you may not even know the child, goes unnoticed.

News of these incidents strike horror into your heart and the first person you think of is that poor child's mother. And father because I know without a doubt my husband, the father of my children, would be just as devasted as I would be. And I will continue to think about them often. A friend's 10 year old cousin died from a brain tumor years ago, and I still think of that little girl and her parents often. The weekend I was going to get married, the younger sister of a girl I knew years before, drowned in a flash flood. And there are many more I remember. Both mine and Nate's grandparents have had to experience the loss of a child  that died in their early 40s, as well as my friend whose mother has lost two of her children already, and even though they're not 10 or 16, their deaths are still heartbreaking and just as hard to bear. A mother still lost her child.

These stories haunt me and in a lot of ways even though I may not have known some of them personally I think they will forever because as a mother now it is my very worst fear that I will experience the unbearable pain they've had to and will continue to  experience. And the awful thing is every time you hear one of these horrible stories, you're heartbroken yes but thankful it's not you and praying  that for whatever reason you are spared from having to experience the most devasting experience imaginable.

I am a firm believer in God, but it doesn't change that I don't understand. Why are some given so much heartache and others spared? I believe we continue to live on once we have left our earthly bodies, and that those that have passed have gone on to a better place, but even the reassurance of that doesn't lessen my fear. And I thank Him every day for my family and the incredible blessings in my life and pray that He keeps my children safe and healthy. And not only do I fear such a horrible event in my life but I fear what it would do to my relationship to Him. I wouldn't doubt his existence but I don't know if I'd ever get past the anger of why.

So what do we do? Do we hide our children? Do we never let them leave home? We can't put them in a bubble. It's a scary world out there. I tell myself to trust in God, have faith in the good of humanity, and raise my children to have faith and make smart choices to avoid situations that put them in harm's way. But the darkness of the world always lurks there in the background.

My heart aches for all those parents out there that have had to experience such devastion. I hope you have found peace. I learned long ago, at the age of twelve to be exact, when I saw a parent, a brother, a sister, a daughter and son, wife, lose their son, brother, father, and husband, that nothing is guaranteed to us in this life. And to tell the people you love that you love them,and make the most of every moment because no matter how long the people we love are here for it's always too short.  God bless.

Here, there, and everywhere

That's about the way my mind feels. Something about the beginning of this school year is just... off. But at the same time I feel excited about work in a way I haven't been in a few years and I have a good feeling in my gut that it's going to be a good year. Maybe it's because I am so excited about so many new things at work and outside of work that has me feeling like I'm running a marathan at a sprint and I'm in dead last. I haven't yet gotten into a rhythm with all the new changes this year.

I'm a floater, which means I don't have a classroom, which I will gladly give up to be back in the building and have access to all the technology I have this year. So I'm having to spend a lot more time planning in order to include more technology and get ready for the new curriculum that is coming out  next year. But because I float I feel like I have my stuff everywhere! Being the organized control freak that I am it drives me a little crazy. I'm also thinking this is not going to be one of my more enjoyable schedules. I feel like about the time I finally get settled into working on something during a break between classes the bell is ringing for the next one to start. I am not in one place for more than 45 minutes all day. I'm transitioning like I'm on an assembly line every 40 minutes to get ready for the next place I'm moving to.

I'm excited about Averi starting school Tuesday! And Kenzi is loving spending her days with her BFF Lily and her grandma. But, I haven't quite fallen into the rhythm yet with dropping off and picking up since last year they were here at the house. And Em and I have enjoyed just lounging around her basement, hanging out in the afternoons while the girls play. After spending our afternoons together for two volleyball seasons it's nice to still hang out but with our girls instead of at practice. And we've even managed to fit in a few walks a week, even with Averi's constant whining of late.

Unfortunately, even right now the evenings have felt rush, rush, rush. For the first time ever, thanks I think to my youngest daughter, I have been making my family stick to a rigid schedule. I've always felt like the only mom that wasn't sold on the constant early to bed regime. But for two weeks now, even if it's the crappiest dinner ever because Nate's not home from work yet and I have to cook, we are eating dinner by 630, kids bathed and getting ready for bed (or quiet time with a movie in her room for Ave) between 7 and 730, house is cleaned up and whatever chores need to be done for the day are finished by 8. Which still with two hours until my bedtime, those hours have felt rushed with my own bath, getting stuff together to do it all over again, and sitting down at the computer to do school work. For the purpose of my sanity, I like the strict routine schedule. But I question myself as to whether I'm putting them to bed so early for their benefit or my own so I can take care of more crap on my to do list and maybe give my brain some time to shut down. For a working momma, the day really does need to be longer than 24 hours. I wonder if we can ask Congress about that? Once I go to bed, I still can't even go to sleep because I'm jumping out of bed every five minutes to write something down on my little sticky notes for this or that because my brain will NOT come out of overdrive. I really wish it had a power button I could push for it to just shut down for a few hours like every other computer.
                                   This is what we really do to the girls in the afternoon at Em's.

So, I don't know. I'm a little overwhelmed. But I'm definitely staying positive and have a good feeling about things. It will all find it's rhythm and I won't be so overcharged.

So long Summer 2012

Summer is over : ( . And it was great. It really was. We've spent summers taking trips to neat places and doing neat things in the past but I feel like this summer was still one of the better ones even though we didn't go anywhere new. We didn't have any memorable Glenn mishaps like a truck accident (2011) or broken down car that left us stranded for days three hours from home (2010) so that could be some of it. But it was also our first summer as a family of four so maybe that's part of what made it so special.

One of the things I love about having kids is that everything you do is so much fun like you're a kid again whether its the waterpark, boat rides, swimming, carnival rides, or whatever kiddie adventure they want to embark upon. There really is nothing like seeing the world through the eyes of your child. Seeing their joy and excitement at each new discovery makes it so much fun as the parent. This is also the reason why even though I'm bummed that summer is over, I'm also excited for the fall because Halloween and Christmas is soooo much fun again when you have little kids. Kenzi will be all about opening her presents this Christmas, and Averi is becoming more aware of the magic of Santa Claus. I'm already itching to start buying them Christmas presents. Going to have to wait until that bank account starts to accumulate some mula again, but once it does let the Christmas shopping fun begin.

I don't want to dwell too much on the fact that summer is over. I feel incredibly fortunate that I have a job in the first place that allows me this much time off to spend with my children and to travel to see our family. Just as I left you with pictures from our trip to Missouri, I leave you this time with pictures from our trip to Pennsylvania.

At the pool with their cousins, Alaina and Dylan

Averi's first mini golf experience

Boating on Kinzua in New York

Kenzi wants to play too

Averi swimming in the Kinzua Reservior

Averi four wheeling with Daddy

Kenzi first merry go around at the Warren County Fair

Averi loved the fair rides

Spending time with Grandma Lorraine

Hanging out with Aunt Jody

And Grandpa Fred

Averi and her Nana

Here comes that crazy beginning of the school time of year (with two kids this time) so hope it goes as smoothly as craziness can possibly go.

Reflecting and Anticipating

Our summer is winding down and I am definitely a little sad. At the same time I always get a little excited about the upcoming school as if I were a kid again. I even already spent one Saturday night outlining all my unit lessons for the whole year for my eleventh graders and looking up ideas for my HSA prep class so I must be somewhat motivated if I'm doing that. But even though my kids are going to great places as well come this Fall, I'm dreading the hecticness that comes with being a full time working momma. The early mornings (I am not a morning person); the misbehavior and noncompliance of students (seriously if you could get rid of this and the politics that surround education it would be the best job ever); the exhausted feeling in the afternoons when I want to rest but know I should be  and usually do play with my kids; the rush in the evenings for dinner, clean up, baths, and bedtime; and then prep myself to do it all over again tomorrow; and maybe if I'm lucky I get an hour to wind down and look at something work related. I told a friend that if I could work part time on a block schedule it would be perfect because I do love my job but I love my kids more and I hate feeling like I'm stretched too thin to give them the time and attention they deserve.

But Averi starts preschool this Fall so she's super excited. I am too but I'm also terrified. She has never been in a big setting before. She was at a home daycare with usually two or three other small children and then our nanny this past year after her sister was born. Being is a class with fifteen or so other children in a building with probably 100 other children just makes me think of all the negative things she'll be exposed to from crazy amount of germs, to all the bad words and/or gestures kids learn from their homes, to how little kids can be mean and not always her friend (my husband works in elementary schools and little kids know some bad things and can be very mean). I'm sure because Nate and I both work schools and we re constantly amazed at the behavior and things kids KNOW, I'm a little paranoid and I'm sure I'll drive everyone nuts Sept 4 when she starts with my constant worrying. She loves people though and she's so excited about making new friends and going to school. I'm excited to see what she learns and because she's never been in a school setting see how she does academically for her age. She's also going to play soccer this Fall so I'm looking forward to watching that.

As for Kenzi my friend from work mom is retiring and she's going to watch Kenzi and her granddaughter. Even though I know her well and know that Kenz is in great hands August 20 at nine and half months will be the first time I have to drop her off and leave her with someone she doesnt' really know that well. She of course cause she was only two months old didn't know Sarah back in January that well either but she still woke up in her own bed in her familiar house with her big sister everyday. Now that she's older and going through mommy anxiety as it is, having to drop  her off by herself without her big sister, is not going to be easy at first. It's a good thing I'm planning on riding with my friend that day. She likes to talk alot so she'll help distract me; otherwise by myself I would probably cry all the way to work just like I did each time I ve had to leave them for the first time before and every time Averi would go through mommy seperation anxiety even though I was leaving her with her beloved Miss Kate I would still cry on the way to work. As I said though, Kenzi will be in great hands and she'll get a chance to become better friends with my friend's daughter that is only four months older than her. I know once we all fall back into the school routine we'll all, including myself, be fine. It's just a transition I always dread a little.

As for the summer. It's been a great summer. We spent June and the first week of July at home, which may be the longest stretch in a summer that we've ever stayed home. As I mentioned before it was like we vactioned at home and we did a lot of enjoyable local things. We've been back home for a week now and we had a playdate yesterday and a family picnic at the park today. We just got back last week from a two week trip with a weekend stop in Virginia for a wedding, a few days in Kentucky to visit my aunt and grandma before spending a week in Missouri with my family. As always it was great to go home and see my family. I love watching Averi get to play with her cousins. Her and Addi have so much fun together. I wish they could see each other more. It's alwasy a little  depressing when I come home. I do miss my family and now that I have kids, I hate that they only get to see their Papa, Nene, aunts, and cousins three times a year. I love Maryland but as the long two days of driving emphasized again, Maryland to Missouri is soooo far. We talk sometimes of moving somewhere closer, like Chicago or Colorado, but I also know if we're going to do that we'll need to do in the next ten years before Averi gets too far into school and would be more upset about leaving her friends than being a day closer to family. We love our life we've built out here too though but because we moved out here with nothing and knowing no one, I also know we could make a big move and transition like that again and be okay. I guess time will tell and we'll see what the future holds.
                                              Averi and Kenzi with four of their cousins

                                             Family picture at friend's wedding in Virginia

                   Four generations of Italian girls- my grandma, my mom, me, and my daughters

                                        The girls with my sister's two kids, Addi and Paxton

                                              Averi with her best friend and cousin, Addi

                           Averi and Addi riding the waterslide with my sister, their Aunt Tete

                  The six kids again with my sister Kelly and cousin Leslea, who is always sure to make it down from her home in Iowa to see me and the kids when we're in town. This does not go unnoticed. Thanks, cuz, for always making the time.
                                     
                                               My parents with their four grandchildren.

                                  Averi and Kenzi in the hotel on the way back to Maryland.

My childhood best friend's daughter, Haleigh. They always come to see us when we're in town too. Thank you.

We're home for one more week before we take off to Pennsylvania for about ten days or so to visit with Nate's family. I'm kind of bummed that we didn't take a vacation, vacation to somewhere new this year but the best year to skip that I figure is the year with a baby. I love to travel. In fact, the word love may be an understatement. My three year old has been to over a dozen states already. So my kids are either going to share our love for traveling or hate it and never want to go anywhere after they ve spent their childhood being dragged all over America. Now that we have children there's so many places left on the travel list that I want to put off until they're a little older so they'll remember and actually get to enjoy the experience with us more. Aren't family vacations part of everyone's favorite childhood memories or is that just my love for traveling blinding me? And when it's all said and done, as much as I'm sure they'll remember some of the great places of America that we'll visit, it'll be those trips up north and out west to see their grandparents, aunts and uncles, and cousins that will be the ones that they anticipate the most and will be the most treasured memories cause they're the ones with all the people they love. And even though we don't live close to either of our families, I hope my girls learn the true meaning of family and about the commitment and love that comes with family. I grew up where one side of our family was all right there in the same place and the other side lived far from one another. And from both sides, whether they were the ones that lived close or the ones that lived far, some understood what this really meant and others gave me reason to doubt. No matter what obstacle stands in their way-money, work, other people, negative emotions, and whatever other reason that prevents people from making the time,  I want my children to know that you ALWAYS, ALWAYS make the time whether it's a phone call, a letter in the mail (or email these days) a drive across town, or a drive across the country. In the end it's your time you got to spend with them that matters.

mountains and beaches...why I love Maryland

I had to spend eight days from the last two weeks at workshops for next school year, and even though it sucked in some ways, it really wasn't that bad. I got quite a few good ideas for next school year that I'm excited to try out and the girls got to spend some quality time alone with Daddy.

This past weekend we went up to Shenandoah to go camping in the mountains during this lovely 100 degree heatwave we're currently experiencing. Luckily up in the mountains it never got that hot even though they were still under the same heat advisory as Baltimore. It wasn't the heat wave that we should have been worried about though; more so the tornadoes that ripped through the region Friday night when we were setting up. I'm not even sure if it was an actual tornado but a storm they re calling a derecho that sounds like a mix between a hurricane and tornado. All I know is the noisy it made before it hit was like nothing I've ever heard. I grew up in tornado alley and I never heard anything like this. And the wind was CRAZY. And so were my husband and I and our friend. I sent the girls to the car with our younger cousin and Nate's grandma while we rushed around gathering our food, bedding, and clothes to keep them dry and staking down tents to keep them from blowing away. In retrospect, I guess we were pretty lucky one of us didn't get hit in the head with anything that could have been flying around that campground with the wild wind. I did end up with a nasty bruise on my leg from some point. After the crazy storm we managed to salvage our food, clothes, and bedding and still get to stay the weekend. It was a really nice weekend. Saturday we all relaxed around the campground and took a scenic drive along skyline drive in the afternoon to check out the appalachian mountain views. It wasn't until we made our way back to civilization that we realized how bad the storm was. A huge amount of people all over the DC/Baltimore Maryland/Virginia area did not have power. Luckily we still had ours when we got home Sunday.

Nate's grandma and cousin were down visiting for the past week so we just happened to find this nice little place an hour south of our house called Chesapeake Beach that we went to Tuesday. It was the perfect beach setting with two little kids. There were minimal waves even though I like the big ocean waves and it wasn't very crowded. It was definitely a nice little beach to go visit again. They were having their fireworks show that night so we ended up staying for that even though we also went to DC the next day for the fourth to see te fireworks in our nation's capital. Nate and I saw them there seven years ago when we first moved here and even though it was really neat to be in our nation's capital and see the fireworks go off behind the Washington Monument it is a once a decade kind of thing. It was HOT. And the crowds on the subway to get home were crazy. It was exhausting but neat to see and I think Taush really enjoyed it and Grandma I think too. And speaking of Grandma, what a trooper! She's 78 years old and she went camping with us, she played on the beach with us, and she walked that National Mall in the crazy heat with us. I think she might go home and sleep a week but I love how at 78 she still wants to go do as much as she can and get the most out of every moment that she can. Now that's making the most out of the time you got. I love it.

It was another fun, adventerous week of summer vacation. The thing I love about Maryland is that we can be in the mountains for the weekend and then off to the beach the next day. Can't find that in the plains of the Midwest. This has become the summer to explore the state we've decided to make home to our kids. Nate and I love to travel and see new things, but now that we have kids there's some places on our tour list we'd like to put off until the kids can enjoy those places with us. I was kind of bummed that we didn't have a vacation vacation planned this summer to somewhere new that we've never been, but it'll be better to see those places in the coming years when the kiddos can enjoy them with us.

Our vactioning for this year is visiting grandmas and grandpas, and tomorrow we head out of town for two weeks. We're off to Virginia for the weekend to see one of our good friends get married, then off to my aunt's in Kentucky to visit her and my grandma, and then onto Missouri for a week with my family. Averi's super excited to see her Papa, Nene, Addi, Aunt Tete, and Aunt Kelly. It 's going to be Kenzi's first looong drive so let's hope this goes smoothly.