Mom's Competitor

I've been a competitor probably my whole life. However, there was never a point where I was necessarily the best. Maybe when I was ten on the pitcher's mound. When I recently took a trip down memory lane I was reminded when I first started pitching at age nine I was probably as close to the best as I ever got. I was also reminded how even at age 10 how competitive I was when I wrote how a run scored on me for the first time in nine games, yet even though we were still winning 10-1,  I cried about it because I was so upset that I allowed my first run. Now obviously I also played with some pretty top competitive 9-10 year old girls who helped with that kick ass record. My dad says they kicked us out of the league because nobody could beat us. Obviously we needed to go somewhere that challenged us more.

We found that when we headed to the city to play competitive ball for the rest of my softball career. There I would see that no, I wasn't the best. When I started high school ball, I was definitely not the best, but me and four other girls I grew up playing ball with were brought up as sophomores to start on a varsity team that for the next two years would make it to the state championship. That first competitive field,  which for me was the ball diamond, was where I learned it isn't necessarily always about being the best but sometimes it's more about pushing ourselves to be able to compete with the best.



I am not a trophy for everyone kind of girl, but I also don't think second is the first loser. Shortly after I took my trip down memory lane searching through the box my mom had of trophies and plaques(earned ones like they gave out in the old days) and mementos from my athletic days, Averi got her first thank you for participating trophy from her tball season.  Even though it wasn't for her competitive ambition to be the best, if you ever listened to the girl talk or saw her determination to do something she's a competitor. I think it will serve her well as she goes through life.

We need competition. Competition pushes us. As we move away from the playing fields though, I see the relevance of it being about competing with the best, not as much as being the best. Whether it's related to our roles as mothers, in our careers, or in our fitness and creative ambitions, there is no winner, no I'm better than you. The playing field has changed and we're not all on the same one anymore. We're all up against a different opponent now. The competition isn't about being better than her. But it's more about seeing what is about her that makes you want to be better than what you are and then pushing ourselves to be better for ourselves.

Every now and then in multiple roles in my life someone will say something like they're trying to compare me to someone else like it's some sort of competition. Every time this happens I really  just want to shout back that it's not about them, it's about me whether it's something I do in my career as an educator, mom, wife, or in my creative outlets with writing and attempting photography.  I have tons of people I look up to, many role models, and yes they inspire me everyday to try something new to push myself either harder or in a different direction. Some of them definitely do bring out my competitive nature.  But it's not because I think I need to be better than them but because I want to be better for myself and/or my family. I am a confident person, maybe even a little arrogant to some, but I have no desire to be anyone else in this life than me. So whether it's our fitness goals, career goals, personal goals as a wife and/or mother, or creative goals, we're all competing against ourselves to just be better, to grow, to improve so we're right there with the best of them.

When we step off those athletic fields and into the adult world, our competitive natures are still an asset to us I believe because they drive and push us. The real world is harshly competitive at times, and maybe when it comes down to job promotions the whole who really is the best is really how it is. But in a time where there's concern for girls and their unhealthy self image and mommy wars about who is better we have to remember everything isn't about a competition with others but sometimes with ourselves to push ourselves to be better than we were yesterday. As adults we definitely still need that competitive nature in our lives, but just remember the playing field and the opponent is a little different these days.

Check out these similar posts

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For the Love of a Game

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My book, Moms, Monsters, Media & Margaritas, even though mostly for mothers of any age (suggested by an older reader's feedback) focuses on women today accepting who they are. It examines how our 21st century digital world shapes our perceptions and expectations of our capabilities as mothers, wives, employers, and women. It will leave you with a humorous and inspirational look at the individual journey of motherhood that takes each of us from the girl we were to the woman we become. The book is also now available on the Amazon kindle for $3.99 and the Barnes and Noble Nook for $4.99.



My 5 Parenting Rules to Raising Independent, Nonentitled Children

Just like with education, there is always a new philosophy on how to parent. Even though through two degrees I've taken a decent number of psychology and human development classes that actually look at the variety of ways to raise and teach children, I have my own nonpsychological rules of 5 that is my personal parenting philosophy for trying to raise independent, nonentitled children.

1. Tell them no. I understand some parents want to give their children everything because they think it shows them how much they love them. But even if I had all the money and the means in the world to give them everything I wanted, the frequent answer would still be no. No matter our social economic statuses, backgrounds, luck, or connections, we can't have everything we want and the sooner they see that as a reality the better.

2. Make them choose. Life is full of choices so they better get use to that now by deciding which do they want more and which are they willing to forego. Right now the choices are simple but as my husband and I often argue about larger adult choices like money vs time at home, they will soon realize again, they can't have everything they want. Many things they'll learn later are one or the other and some come at the sacrifice of another.

3. Make them wait. Nothing irritates me more than a student that expects me to be at their assistance immediately even though I'm busy helping another student. With so much immediate gratification with current technology I make it a habit to teach my children to wait and not be at their beck and call as soon as they need something. Patience is needed for many things in life so they might as well learn it now.

4. Make them work for it and don't clean up their messes. As a parent it's our natural instinct to want to swoop in and help them or make things all better. As a control and neat freak this one is hard for me at times as sometimes I just want to clean up after them myself rather than the sometimes long drawn out battle of holding them accountable for cleaning up their messes. But as they get older their teachers, their bosses, their spouses, and life in general is going to require them to work for what they want or earn and no one will appreciate having to clean up their messes-figuratively or literally-behind them.

5. Don't entertain them for the sake of entertaining them.  We do go do stuff outside of the house with our kids often, but that's who we were before kids and now it's just who we are as a family and even though I do let them entertain me with their "shows" (singing, dancing, gymnastics, whatever the sisterly performance of the night is), I have never been a parent that felt the need to entertain them. They problem solve their boredom by finding their own source of entertainment without my input. I spend quality time with my children every day, but it is completely okay for them to go off and play on their own and even get into a little mischief along the way. They can't learn their way around this world if they're not permitted to explore and problem solve on their own.

In today's parenting world there's a lot of criticism that parents of my generation are raising dependent, entitled children. One piece I read recently also labeled our children as future rude adults because of this dependent and entitled upbringing. For me personally these are my rules for myself as a parent to enforce upon my children and hold myself accountable for in hopes of raising independent, willing to work for what they want, grateful children. To some maybe these seem like some harsh rules to live by, but I don't think I'm doing them any favors by giving in to their every whim or hovering over them, waiting to swoop in to save the day for them. What are your parenting rules to raise independent, nonentitled children?





Get your copy of Moms, Monsters, Media & Margaritas, my book about motherhood and family in our 21st Century digital world, in either the  ebook here or purchase a copy of the print version here.    The ebook is now also available on Barnes and Noble and Amazon for $5 or less.



 

The Long Road Home

Any road that we re on for more than 10 minutes is the long road to Averi. This past week we had to spend 16 hours on what I told her is the true long road home, known to others as I 70. I have now traveled this road in my 32 years more times than I can count.

My husband has probably come to hate the road because it is such a long drive but something about the open road either surrounded by the mountains as we drive through Maryland and Pennsylvania and then the stretch of flat farmland as far as the eye can see through Indiana and Illinois has always brought me a sense of peace. I'm an always have to be moving kind of person even though as I'm getting older I'm learning to slow down, but driving has always given me the opportunity to just slow down, look at the beauty that surrounds me in not just the scenery but in so many other aspects of my life.  I do a lot of thinking and reflecting on those long roads.

For whatever reason this time on the journey of that long road I thought about something that s been at the back of my mind for a long time. Maybe it s because more than ever before I feel torn between the two places I call home, Missouri and Maryland.  As I told a friend who also has two homes it s like feeling like you belong in two places. So some may find this morbid, but the thing that I keep asking myself is when my time here with my family has expired and I take the true road home from this life to the next what are my wishes? Now I hope this isn't something I have to seriously consider until I'm an old woman but unfortunately I've watched too many family, close friends and students lose young parents and siblings way before that old age marker.  It happens.  I live my life the way I do - embracing change and searching for the next thing on the bucket list- because who knows how long any of us have.

Most people I know unless they are older tend to be buried, and I think that s the route people go when something unexpected happens to younger people. But I've never been a confine me one spot kind of person.  One of the things that s always crossed my mind is where would I even be buried.  I could see my family back home thinking it should be there where all of them are and will be buried.  But what about my husband and children?  That s not their home, but I don't know at this point if any one spot will be our home.

My other thing is just as I've never felt the closest to God in a church, a cold marble tombstone as pretty as it is, isn't where I feel the closest to the people that have already passed on. They live in our hearts,  in our memories,  and if you look close enough you can see them in your life.

So the conclusion I came to on that long road home that connects me to the roots of my childhood that I love and the place that gave me wings to create what has become my adult life, is whenever the time comes for God to call me to my heavenly home I want my ashes scattered not literally on I 70 because ran over by a bunch of semi s isn't my ideal vision but in those fields and mountains overlooking that long road home that defined so much of who I was and who I am in this life.

Even though my husband thinks of me as the more grounded one (someone has to be :)  ) I like to think I'm a pretty free spirit.  I want something that even in death represents who I was.  If my family and children still wanted a headstone to visit I guess that s their call. But the best place to visit me will not only be in their memories,  but in all the photos and journals, notebooks and online, that I ve kept over the years.

So maybe at 32 it s a little scary,  morbid, whatever you want to call it, to think about what my personal choices are if something were to happen to me. But at the same time for those that know me well  know I don't like others making my choices for me and two I always like to be different and find ways to make some of the things I do choose (like all our wedding decisions which some liked to give me grief on) symbolic of who I am.



Get your copy of Moms, Monsters, Media & Margaritas, my book about motherhood and family in our 21st Century digital world, in either the  ebook here or purchase a copy of the print version here.    The ebook is now also available on Barnes and Noble and Amazon for $5 or less.

 

  

It s the Little Moments that Make Life Big

"It s the little moments that make life big" is the quote that hangs on my sister s wall. As I said in my previous post Livin the Dream I believe in the dreamers; I cheer for the dreamers, but I also believe so much in everything in between.

While I was home I finally went through a box of old photos and keepsakes from my childhood and adolescent years. There are different moments and different people that made that chapter of my life the beautiful memory that it now is. Now as I move through adulthood and embark on raising my own children, those moments with certain people are still what enriches mine and my children's lives now.

I got to spend an afternoon hanging outside on a gorgeous summer day with the friend I've had since the fourth grade watching our kids play together all afternoon.  I got to take my daughter out on the ball field I can still recall stepping onto for my first day of tryouts my freshman year. I got to watch my dad pitch the ball to her to hit. I caught an old high school friend at the ball field I hadn't seen in person in five years. I enjoyed a whole afternoon at the K with my whole family.  Sat around the bonfire until 2 in the morning laughing and enjoying the company of my family and one of my dearest friends. I rocked each of my girls asleep around that fire. I got to see my 86 year old grandparents' eyes light up with the enjoyment of seeing their grandkids. I got to watch my kids spend hours splashing in the water and playing with my sister and cousins' kids. I see how content it makes my parents to just have their whole crew together.  I got to see my aunt who the last time was just facing a cancer diagnosis smiling and thriving on her road to recovery post treatment.  

They are little moments. People don't tell you congratulations or job well done for those moments.  The big job or promotion is important.  Buying that house is maybe a dream come true. Vacations are something to be excited about and some trips are the trip of a lifetime.  But all those big things would mean nothing without the little moments and the people in those moments. It is the little moments that make our lives big, that define our lives.

I remind myself everyday to take stock of all the little moments from that day that made it a good day, that makes life the big grand thing that it can be. Here are some pictures from our little moments.

Get your copy of Moms, Monsters, Media & Margaritas, my book about motherhood and family in our 21st Century digital world, in either the  ebook here or purchase a copy of the print version here.    The ebook is now available on Barnes and Noble and Amazon for $5 or less.



Are You Livin the Dream?

Between my fascination with how social media influences our expectations and perceptions of many aspects of the lives we live today and a little sarcastic conversation between my cousin and I about "livin the dream" from the Fourth, the idea of dreams, even the concept of the American Dream stuck with me.

As we read August Wilson's  Fences at the conclusion of the school year this year, my students and I talked a little about  handling others' negativity and doubt of their ambitions. Teenagers can be big dreamers, and I don't like to be a naysayer of anyone's dreams and ambitions, but my husband sometimes labels me as one with my cautious realistic input that I sometimes impose on my students as well as him.

I don't believe I'm a naysayer at all, but some of the misconceptions I think people forget is life is full of choices, sacrifices, set backs, along with those moments of glory for achieving what we've always wanted. I have some friends that are some big dreamers,  but along with being dreamers they're also go getters. They're not afraid of change and they're not afraid to step out of their comfort zone. However, I also know they catch some grief here and there from the naysayers, the ones who don't want to believe.

Here's the other thing. Everyone's dream is different. What is the dream to someone else is not the dream to another person. But no matter what the goals are, I think it's so vitally important to remember it takes work, hard work, a willingness to fail, a willingness to step outside our comfort zones, an acceptance of change, and a willingness to make the sacrifices for what we want. Everything in life is a choice, but no dreams ever just fall in our laps.  It's not really a dream achieved if we didn't have to work, shed a few tears,  doubt ourselves a little along the way, turn our backs to the naysayers and the doubters, and keep on pushing for the things we envision in life. It will not be easy. It will hurt whether it's physically, mentally, emotionally.

Some today want to mock dreamers, trash the idea of the American dream, disregard it as a lost reality in today's American society. Is it a struggle to get it? Sure, but America's always been about perservence, grit, and working to overcome in order to achieve. Maybe the misconception isn't in believing whether it's a reality of today or not, but in believing it should come easy.

Even though it's always good to have your eye on the prize, I think the other thing to remember is to appreciate the journey along the way. I love dreamers and most of the ones I know do an awesome job of living in the moment even while they're looking ahead. To the naysayer who once told me you can't dream big and live in the moment, oh yes you can. I see dreamers doing it every day.



Get your copy of Moms, Monsters, Media & Margaritas, my book about motherhood and family in our 21st Century digital world, in either the  ebook here or purchase a copy of the print version here.    The ebook is now available on Barnes and Noble and Amazon for $5 or less.