Wednesday, May 22, 2013

My letter to God

Dear God,

I talk to you every day. Mostly in the car or before I go to bed at night. I always thank you over and over again for all the wonderful people in my life. I am incredibly blessed with the family and friends I have been surrounded by throughout my life. Because I am so blessed I rarely ask for anything for myself (aside from the continued health and safety of those I love and others) because I just don't really feel there is much more that I need than what you have already provided me. Sure, I stress, but as you know I am a firm believer in what is meant to be will be and things will happen in the time they are meant to happen. So even though I get stressed about money or life changes, I know in the end everything has always turned out okay. And like now I have a few things weighing on my mind and I hate transition or uncertainity in my planner (my family likes to make fun of my planning problem) I keep reminding myself whatever is meant to happen will happen. I must be patient. I feel there are always way more important and horrific situations than my own. Every day I find myself praying for someone's sick child or people like those in Oklahoma. And even though I don't understand the rhyme or reason of why certain things occur to certain people, I hold strongly to my faith that you are there for those in need and one day my questions will be answered. I have never doubted your existence; I can't remember a time when I wondered who you were or if you were even present in my life. I have known  you for as long as I can remember. I always feel that if we open our eyes, ears, and hearts we can all see and hear you. I have my faith and you know that.

However, as you well know I do have my doubts about religion. I am actually rather skeptical towards religion at times. How many times has some religious group in your name brought violence upon another; how many religious groups preach rejection and damn others to hell for their beliefs and lifestyle choices all in the name of God? I have a really hard time believing anyone that lives a good, honest, loving life is going to be damned to hell because of life choices they make for who they choose to love or for what religion they choose to pledge their faith to you through. I have a hard time believing you are against tolerance and understanding of differences. I hate to say it but I even question the truth of the Bible. Only because it was translated by man, and sorry but even though man was created in your image, we are flawed, we are judgmental, and we do like to push those judgements upon others through intimidation and fear. History is always told by the winners. I feel there is a well defined line at times between religion and faith. And it is this line that I am unsure how to walk.

With all that being said though now that I have children of my own I am at times of conflict of what and how to teach my children about faith and my relationship with the church.  So first let me share, I was baptised Catholic but don't really ever recall attending a Catholic church. My mother was raised in a very strong Catholic family, and all of my cousins grew up in the Catholic church, but my mom moved away from her family when she married my dad. And even though my dad is a Christian he felt rather strongly against us getting baptised as he felt religion was a choice we should make when we were old enough to decide for ourselves, in which I kind of agree, but Nathan, understandably so would like to see them baptised sooner rather than later. And I can also agree with him because I would rather see baptism as my pledge to you to raise my children with faith in God rather than see it as an association with any particular religion.  But back to my upbringing, we did attend a Methodist church for a few years before we were teenagers and we did go to Bible school and Sunday school as little girls. As my sister and I were talking about this other day, I have prayed for as far back as I can remember even though the church was not strongly pushed in our house. I would say from the time I was ten until my early twenties when I met Nathan, I did not attend a church for a good decade. Then him and I started attending a Lutheran Church when he was living in Kansas. Then after we moved out to DC we didn't attend a church for a year, but then once we bought our house in Baltimore, I participated in a Bible Study for a while and we joined a Lutheran Church that we loved that we attended fairly regularly for a few years until we had kids. We went a few times when Ave was a baby, then it started to become just at Easter because that was the only holiday besides Thanksgiving that we were here. Now that we're settled in a community to raise our girls we'd like to look for a church here.  I really do like the church community and I feel good moral life lessons are taught through the church.   However, because I don't feel it's necessary to attend church every Sunday in order to show my faith to you, I almost feel as if I'm being dishonest to the church community because I feel that I "use" them because the programs like Sunday school and Vacation Bible School are good thing for the girls to be involved in  and through our membership to the church I can get my kids baptised. But I don't fully buy into all their preachings and therefore feel my attendance there is dishonest. You know me.There are many so called "right" parenting choices I don't give two cents about but I do care about getting this one right.  I think churches are beautiful but I have felt closest to you in other places outside of the church. I don't feel that being in church brings me closer to you; however, I want my girls to have the same solid belief in your presence in their lives like I do and maybe church combined with me talking to them about my faith is where that starts. And somewhere along the way  they will determine their own path to their relationship with you.

When I'm in doubt about all these life decisions that I am now realizing come with the adult world, I will continue to look for the signs and be patient and know what is meant to be will be. You have blessed me with a beautiful life and children, and even though we are both aware of my flaws, I continue to hope I am doing the right things and being the positive example I have always wanted to be. I don't promise to be perfect because I'm not and I won't ever be and I am quite okay with that, but I do always look for your guidance to be a little better than I was before. And I know in my journey to leading my children to you, I/we will find our way in time.

P.S. I hate those stupid facebook and email posts about do this and God will reward or punish you. I think they are silly and don't buy into them. I think this will suffice to advertise my commitment to you but you've always known where you I stood no matter what the world knows, cares, or thinks.

Oh, one more thing. I know Averi keeps asking you for a baby brother, which yes, would be great. But could you just give me a little more time to get a handle and balance on things. This year has been a little crazy and I'm not sure I need anymore crazy yet. But I like crazy so I'll let you know when I'm ready.

God Bless!


  1. I love this! I stopped going to church back around 2004, but with my guys now I have found myself back at Mass and even more socking to me is the way I fee like I have come home and am refreshed and ready to face whatever the upcoming week has in store for me. Catholicism may be an extra can of worms that you are not familiar with, but guilt is something all Catholics have excess amounts of...

  2. Hello there Angela,
    Thank you for commenting on my blog. You are right, we do have a lot in common. I teach 9th grade World Geography and have two little ones. Also I was surprised when I started reading your blog because your layout and background is one of the two I had it narrowed down to when I gave my blog its last facelift. How funny is that.
    Thank you for blogging and sharing your experience with other mommies and teachers. Another thing we share is that I was also raised Catholic and I am now a member of a Lutheran church. My husband is a holiday husband, so when I go it is just me and the kids. Sometimes that can be a struggle, but I think it is worth it. My family did not attend regularly when I was growing up and I want my kids to have a better education in Christianity than I got. Sometimes I feel guilty that my husband isn't there with us or that I am there mostly for my kids. You know what one of the things I love about the Lutheran church? They accept everyone anytime with no conditions. I have also sat down several times and grilled the pastor with questions about religion, faith and the church. The more I talked to him the more I felt better about going. Now I want to go every week and I feel like it helps me get my mind and my heart in the right place to deal with all of the challenges we working moms face.
    Again, thank you for sharing your life with everyone and thank you for your honesty.
    I'm going to add your blog to my reader. Keep in touch!