What Defines the Magic of Childhood?

A friend recently shared the following huffpost article I'm Done with Making My Kids Childhood Magical on Facebook. I was going to add my thoughts about it to her thread, but then ended up with a fairly long post and just decided to make it my own blog post.

Just yesterday with my You Walk that Way, Superwoman, And I'll Walk this Way post I hit on the driving competitive need for today's mothers to feel like they need to prove themselves with crafts, elaborate parties, masterful dinners, and every other wonderful or exciting thing they see another doing on Facebook or Pinterest. I've made it very clear I am not a cook, crafter, elaborate party planner, even that good of a housekeeper anymore, or very dedicated to keeping up with a workout routine. I was also none of these things before I was a parent. In fact when it comes to my housekeeping capabilities they've actually gotten worse with motherhood (hasn't all of ours?) and I was much better at having a routine workout before kids.

However, the thing we do that fits this supposed idea that the huffpost author says parents go out of our way to do to create magic for our children  is we travel often with usually trips to family, weekend trips camping and to the beach, and usually a vacation spot once or twice a year. We also take our kids on multiple weekend outings whether it's the apple orchard and pumpkin patch in the Fall, Disney on Ice, seasonal festivals, zoos and aquariums, and other kid attractions. We did this before we had kids (not Disney on Ice or kid specific attractions necessarily) but we've always been people that love to travel and go do things. This is who we were before, and it's who we continue to be now as a family of four. However, the other side of this social media "parents being over the top" debate is now because of social media it's like we have to even defend the choice to be that person that maybe does go a little over the top on that one thing they've always been passionate about. If you've always been an artist and crafter then be that as a parent. If you've always loved to plan extravagant parties then still be that person; it's just now kid parties and not adult parties. We don't have to change who we are because social media makes us feel we need to be better or because we need to defend the one thing we're extravagant about because we've always had a passion for it before and after kids.

 The internet and social media leads to all of us constantly comparing, and we’re all convinced parents out there are doing everything. Really I think each family has their own individual things that create memorable childhood memories for their children. For some it’s their passion for arts and crafts; others it’s sports; some it’s traveling and family outings. It’s the time together whether it’s in the yard, a ball field, at the kitchen table cooking or creating crafts, exploring somewhere new together as a family, or the time in a car traveling to and from that creates the magic of childhood that they remember.

For me it was the ball field and road trips from MO to NY. But also dinner time, walks in the evenings with my dad, and girls weekends with my mom while Dad was hunting.  For my girls I hope it’s dinner time too, evening walks, ball fields hopefully, campfires in the yard or out camping, and the family road trips. All those things were part of who we were before we were parents though, and it’s sharing that love for these things that will create magical memories for them.  I told Nate once whatever he wanted them to be interested in (playing golf or being hockey or football fans), they would be if they spent time with him doing it. The time together and the love shared between parent and child is what creates the magic of childhood.

Now we just like to share the magic on social media, but everybody's magic is different. Why take it personally?
                                                             
                                                              Dancing at a concert in the park last summer

You Walk that Way, Superwoman, and I'll Walk this Way

Facebook and instagram newsfeeds blow up constantly with parents, myself included, and our engaging moments with our children. None of us advertise laying on the couch watching television or even really mention those moments of letting the kids entertain themselves through free play. Somewhere this idea of engaging and entertaining our children constantly throughout the day has become a parent must.

I love social media; it has definitely been a positive way more than a negative in my life, but it's what leads us to constantly comparing ourselves to one another and on this chase of superwoman. Lucky for me in this case my "I don't really care what others think" attitude serves me well most of the time. However, I still fall into the trap of seeing or reading things and feeling those twinges of guilt because I don't do that and think maybe I should. I will stop and think about veering off my own path because something or someone convinces me I need to be different in order to be better. Social media can convince us someone else is the superwoman that has this masterful balancing act all figured out, and we either hate her or want to be her.

It is instances like today where I come home from work, exhausted from a long week,where I just turn on the TV for the girls and plop down on the coach, that can lead to that path of mommy guilt. It was one of those sleeping with one eye cracked open kind of afternoons. The kind as mothers we don't share on facebook because to let our children watch a little TV or play on their own has become taboo. Supermom would never do that so let's just hide that little reality in the closest.

I don't think I need to "entertain" or "engage" my child every second we're together. But again, our information age pulls us in all these different directions of what is "right" when it comes to parenting today. Even though I catch myself sometimes being dragged down a path that is not dictated by my own beliefs but what I let others intentionally or unintentionally try to lead me to believe, I've gotten much better at cutting myself some slack and letting supermom continue walking her path and continuing down my own path of reality of what works me and my family. That reality is sometimes I'm so tired I want to lay on the couch and let my kids watch TV. The reality is my kids are so independent because I leave them to themselves (within reason of course) to play and even fight it out among themselves. My idea of crafts is letting them drag out their paint brushes, paint, and slopping it on some paper and usually my floor or table. My kids play and play with no structure every day, and it is okay.

It's not like I don't engage with my kids. I would say their most memorable engagement moments with us  from their early childhood years will be the things we did outside of the house whether it was outside on our walks, playing games or ball in the yard, and  on our little family field trips to the things we enjoy doing, For the day to day work day the memories will probalby be about dinner time, cuddling on the couch for TV, and cuddles at or most of the time past bedtime.

We all walk our own paths; none of our paths are the same. They never will be so we all should just embrace our own paths. It's okay to not be perfect. It's okay to want to turn on the television every and now then for the kids so we can rest; it's okay to want to escape to the shower or the store. It's okay to get frustrated and impatient. It's okay to not be a grand chef; it's okay to not be crafty. It's okay to get in whatever little or nonexistent workout we can fit in our hectic schedules. It's okay to have a dirty house. It's okay to be the mom that we are. Let superwoman walk away down her path, and you can keep on walking on yours. I've learned it's okay.

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Vaccinate or Not Vaccinate: A Parenting Debate

To Vaccinate or To Not Vaccinate: Another Debate of Today's Parent

I am all for moms supporting one another and not against each other when it comes to this mommy judging thing. I like to think I’ve conveyed this pretty well here. However, some thing has hit the news lately that I feel I am often torn on staying nonjudgmental. In keeping with my honest approach too on being truthful and upfront about this motherhood journey I am on I wanted to talk about it on here.

As many probably know there is an outbreak of the measles in California. They also feel this outbreak is due to unvaccinated children, and of course this is causing quite a stir among parents on both sides of this debate.

I vaccinate my children. I do occasionally ask that they have an adjusted schedule from what the doctor suggests such as at their one year appointment when they are getting a couple vaccinations in one visit. My children have never had any side effects aside from the typical crabbiness of having shots.

I don’t feel that any choices we make as parents are really anyone else’s business; we make them because they work for our families.  We could all argue that there are repercussions , maybe even risks, and effects to our choices of birth, bottle verse breast, cosleeping verse not, working verse staying home, homeschooling verse public schooling,  but any negative setbacks or effects from these choices aren’t doing any of us outside that family any harm. No matter our choices we’re all going to make mistakes, learn lessons, maybe even have a few regrets along the way, so I think we can all cut each other a little slack.

But my concern with the vaccination choice is the harm it can bring can go outside the family. A family with a newborn baby recent lost their baby after being exposed to a virus from an unvaccinated child. Infants rely on herd immunity. Even though they are not vaccinated yet; the vaccination of their family and those around them will protect them from the disease until they have their own vaccination.

Now in all fairness, sometimes I do wonder why we need a vaccination for everything such as the chicken pox. I had chicken pox as a kid, and it’s just an annoying childhood illness. But it’s not dangerous.  Many of the vaccinations are to prevent annoying but not life threatening childhood illnesses.  If our own child is vaccinated then we would like to hope they are protected, but just like anything in medicine it is not 100% so I guess this is where the whole “your kid can’t play with my kid” thing comes in because even if it’s not 100% effective if there’s no outbreak there’s no fear. People fear what they don’t know.

With more and more parents choosing to not vaccinate their children, the likelihood of outbreaks increase.  I am unfamiliar with all the diseases except chicken pox that we vaccinate our children for so of course automatically as parents we associate the word “disease” with deadly and bad. Not that I ever want my child to be sick, but from my reading of some of these old childhood diseases  they sound worse than typical childhood illness lasting 14-21 days sometimes with lifelong effects. I also know that some of these illnesses can be deadly to an infant, and even though I don’t have an infant I can understand the worried and concerned parent that does.

I know the other side argues that they don’t vaccinate for fear of side effects like the recent autism claim; however, that in itself is a whole debate. Depending on which source you consult has been proven one way or the other; however, I would suggest anyone to prove the validity of that source before trusting its accuracy.  Every choice has its pros and cons and its risks; I think everyone needs to be more educated and have good solid reasons and facts to support their decision. I also think whether it’s the choice to not vaccinate or the choice to not allow our children around unvaccinated children, it needs to be understood that both decisions are being made by parents that think they’re doing the right thing to protect their child.

 As parents in today's media society we are overloaded everyday with a constant flow of information. Information that is constantly trying to convince us one parenting choice over another is supposedly better.  It is very easy for anyone to skew the facts to support their view so read and evaluate your information that's helping you make such an important parenting decision carefully.

 

Other posts on my take on the parenting wars:

Would I Be a Better Mom if I Stayed Home
The Working Mom vs the Stay at Home Mom

The Elf on the Shelf Moms

The Attack on Today's Parent

The Mommy Wars from a Man's Point of View

Can Moms "Have it All"
She's a Good Mother
Why the Mommy Wars will Never End








 

 

What's so terrible about two?

My favorite two year olds of all time!

I'm on my second round of two. Whether a parent or not, I think we're all familiar with the term the terrible twos. However, both times around with my daughters I have found two to be one of my favorite ages. I've probably mentioned before how I'm not a baby baby person. Infants are precious and cuddly, but they are completely depent on us as their parents. By age one it's fun to start to see their little personality interact more with the world around them, but they are into EVERYTHING and everything that can fit goes in their mouth. You're constantly on your toes trying to make sure they don't nosedive off something or eat something that was never meant to be devoured.

With both my girls I loved the independence that started to come with two. They were potty trained, they were finally able to start communicating, they could self entertain for a bit with toys, they could feed themselves (even if slightly messy), and they were quite determine to attempt everything themselves. "I do it, Mommy," is my youngest's favorite phrase right now. I also love how when you go somewhere you don't have to pack a bunch of stuff.

 It's not only their independence though that leads me to think two is such a great age. They're just so much fun at this age. They want to do the things you do and mimic you. Their imitations are quite comical at times. They find their love for dancing around age two I've noticed. Even though they have developed a little attitude to go with that independence, they're still just enough baby left in them that they'll let you hold them to rock them. Kenz has only been two for about five months and I just cannot get enough of her fun little self, and going through this phrase with her reminds me how much I enjoyed it with Averi too. I really enjoyed four with Averi as well and this month of five has been great, but notice I'm skipping three. We'll talk about three later.

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Trying to Teach Myself some Patience

I've had a week where I had a typical panic Ang moment. I'm a planner, a little A type personality, and definitely a control freak. I hate being in transition, waiting to see how things will play out. I think that's why moving was so hard on me. I hate all the waiting, the what ifs, the not being able to make decisions because you have to wait for something else to fall into place first.

So as excited as I am about a new job and new beginnings and just something different for both Nate and myself, the whole anxiety with transition has kicked in. I bring most of this on myself. I don't usually pray or ask for much for myself, but lately I've decided maybe I should ask for some patience for myself for my own as well as family's mental sake. In all these past transition phrases-leaving home to move east, Nate's job change out of city schools, moving here and renting out the other house-everything has always worked out fine in the end.

In the last week I came to realize switching jobs would mean leaving the sitter that has watched both my girls on and off over the last five years. This is where my recent excitement about new changes turned into anxiety. Not only would I be leaving someone that I love for my girls and myself and that we would miss, but I needed to start putting in the work to find someone to replace her now because it is so hard to find spots for reliable, good daycare. When I first started my search, I hit a wall of disappointment at first because I started to realize how much more expensive daycare centers near our house was going to be. Then it was not only did I have to find someone I liked, somewhere that was a convenient location for us, but now financial stress was added when I was looking at paying $300-$400 more than I planned for one full time and a before/possibly after school child care. We're living on two teachers' 10 month salaries here. I have us operating on a very tight budget; there is very little wiggle room. Factoring in $300-400 more a month was deflating. I just spent nine of the last twelve months picking up extra work to cover our regular bills with the transitional expenses of a new mortgage and an unplanned car payment and still maintain a little extra funds for trips and Christmas. Hence my gloomy mood for the last few days. This is where my lack of patience comes in. I get very moody, attacking, and want to know right now what the plan of action is to fix the problem.

This is where the difference between mine and Nate's personalities come in. I see problems before they're actually even problems. Just like with this it won't be a problem for another six months. Nate sees it as it's six months away why are you freaking out about it now. On one hand I so wish I was like him and just didn't worry and get all bent out of shape about things. But on the other hand because I overplan, look ahead too much, sometimes see problems before they're problems, I get in a crazy frez about attacking and  fixing them. Now sometimes because of this I probably save us from larger problems but other times I cause a lot of stress and anxiety for both myself and Nate for no reason because overtime things just fall into place.

I am also known for jumping on the first option when in transition because I'm too impatient to see what all my options are. I hate the unknown. But patience, I keep telling myself. I did make some phone calls today, and no matter where our jobs take us I possibly found a great solution to our daycare problem that is only going to cost us at most an extra $125 a month rather than closer to $400. Again patience rather anxiety would have served me better in this case. Wish me luck on working on this.

 

 

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