Monday, January 26, 2015

Accepting What Isn't Meant to Be

When I was in grad school I took this self awareness therapy class, and to this day it is still the class that has resonated with me the longest. I learned a lot about coping and working through your problems through a lot of self reflection. I found my best two coping mechanisms out in the hay field behind our house with a spiral notebook in my hand when I was ten years old. Writing and nature. It's always been my therapy. I didn't see it that way of course as a ten year old but now I see as I look back it's where I've always gone for comfort and to find my way back out of the dark holes of despair and sadness that we sometimes find ourselves in.

So this is where I find myself tonight. I apologize if some are just hearing the news through here. Please just understand that I've cried half of the day today, I need to sort through this in my own way, and the thought of personally calling all my dear friends and family just sounded too emotionally draining so I hope you understand.

This was suppose to be the week that we made the big announcement that A & N was expanding to include a little brother or sister in Aug 2015, but now instead we're experiencing our second miscarriage in five months. This time is so much more heartbreaking than last time. Last time we only knew for about two and half weeks, and I was only five and half weeks. This time we've known for closer to seven weeks and I was nearing the end of my first trimester. This time I also have a clearer understanding of what's going on and with that comes the realization that we may need to let the dream of expanding our family go or  prepare ourselves for an emotional stressful nine months if we are going to try one more time.

I was diagnosed with a thyroid disorder about a year ago. I knew it was important to stay on my medication during pregnancy, but what someone never told me was about all the risks of being pregnant with a thyroid disorder. I'm always telling my students to self educate and advocate for themselves because the experts don't know everything and even if they do they deal with100+ cases so it's easy to be overlooked in their busy schedules. I didn't follow my own advice. I should have been reading up on this before we started trying to get pregnant and then insisting on blood work to check my thyroid levels as soon as I knew. My levels with the HCG pregnancy hormone shoots up, which gives me a 70% chance of miscarriage. I can control this thyroid level but it needs to be monitored with frequent blood work and possible medication changes. If it's not controlled and I don't miscarry there are other risks to the baby; hence, why a third pregnancy I now see could be a very emotionally stressful ordeal. As long as my thyroid levels are controlled, which they can be, everything should be okay.

My intuition on this isn't reassuring me either though. As soon as I got pregnant the first time in July something just didn't feel right. I think I just knew and that's why that one maybe didn't upset me too much, but this time I thought it was different. But then around last Wed I just got that feeling something wasn't right, and sure enough again my gut didn't lie. As much I like to believe we have free will and create our own paths, something keeps telling me as much as we want a bigger family it's not in His plan. So it's been kind of rough day. I keep thinking I'm done crying then it'll start again. I keep telling myself to have my moment, be upset, work my way through it, and then I have to  refocus my energy.

Again, if you're hearing the news for the first time on here, please don't be upset. I know this may not seem like the best way to share something like this. But I needed to write my way through this tonight and I need people to know because the sooner everyone knows there will no longer be a baby G #3 in 2015 the sooner I feel I can pick up the pieces and move forward. But one of the people who I think will understand this the best is my childhood best friend, Kristal. We became friends the same year I learned to turn to writing to cope. I went through a tough time when I was 10-12, and I wrote a lot. She would come to my house, read my diary ( she loved reading that thing) but I think she understood I wasn't very good about talking about things that upset me, but I would write about it. I knew she would read it, and I don't remember us talking about our feelings much, but she was still the best friend my ten year old self could have because she understood I needed to write, that I guess I needed her to read, and then I just needed her quiet comfort and presence.  I didn't intend to be encrypted tonight with a post I made on facebook but like any old friend that's known you for a long time and understands all the quirky ways you work she caught right on tonight that something was off and was messaging me. I hope you can understand like her that this is how I deal.

One of the other things I like to do when something's got me really down is this. Averi put my thoughts in her wonderful childlike perspective. I had to tell them again that there wouldn't be a little brother or sister after all. She's decided one was a boy and one was a girl, which is exactly what they've been saying they wanted for the last year now even though we told them there would only be one more sibling. But anyway now she says they are a baby brother angel and baby sister angel. And she said to me, "Mommy, I'm glad you had us before we were angels." So even though it's a dark day I am so completely thankful that yes, we have these two beautiful healthy girls. I can't imagine how hard it must be for expectant mothers and fathers to go through this when trying for their first child. The other thing I think of is I would choose this any day over losing a child at birth or later in their life.

Thanks for listening. I will pull myself out of this dark, sad place. I just need a moment to accept what wasn't meant to be and what may never be.

1 comment:

  1. I am so sorry Angela. I can't imagine the waves of emotion you must be experiencing right now. You will be in my prayers tonight! Hugs!!