Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Superwoman high and the super woman lows: There's a balance somewhere

I wrote a post for a website in the UK called superworkingmums probably a little over a month ago about working mommy guilt. You can check it out here The Monster of Mommy Guilt . It at times may sound like I have it down how to tackle this whole guilt mommy conscious thing but honestly I don't. At least not everyday. It really is a rollercoaster ride of emotions at time. Last year when I returned to work I was like on a superwoman high about how well it went; this year at points I was on  a very depressed deflated not so super woman low.

In reflection here is what all I realize now that I have finally gotten a much needed break. Throughout all the troubles I faced this school year financially with the house, personally with the demands of the balance of home and work, and my frustrations with work, I frequently spoke to my kids' daycare provider. I love this woman. I don't know what you believe when it comes to a higher power, but I was destined to find this woman. I always felt that God sends you angels in the people that you randomly meet at certain points in your life because you will need their direction and guidance at that time. Her talks were such a mental life saver at times as  they prolonged the meltdown that was probably about six months in the making for as long as possible.

With only about seven days left in the school year I had a meltdown. As stressed, overwhelmed moms we all share stories about just needing to have a good cry, and I think at maybe one other point that year maybe I did one stressful night at home. I unfortunately, had mine at 730 in the morning before work started. Of course it's always the husband that's the last block that goes on top of the tower that topples what little stability and control you have. They say the wrong thing at the wrong time and it's like the crying, screaming, crazy woman that you are starts coming out in full force. You know how you just start crying and then you can't stop. And people are like what's the matter. I always feel bad when I get upset around other people. Unless someone is dying or seriously hurt I don't feel that anything else is really worth crying over. There are always worst things in life to get upset over is what I always tell myself. I have guilt over a self pity cry. So anyway on one hand it's like nothing is wrong I would say and then on the other it's like everything. I remember talking to Kate that same day and she kept telling me only seven more days and then I have a vacation. "You need your vacation and then you'll be able to think more clearly."

I have a job where you can't just pick your vacation but I now think if I could have just put in for a week of vacation and gave myself a mental chance to completely let the chaos of this year die down, I would have been in a much better mental place for the rest of the year. This summer vacation is going to help me get in a much better mental place to face the balance of working and home again in the Fall. One I won't have to deal with moving and all the unexpected extra expenses, Nate will hopefully be a little less stressed and busy with this last year of his grad program than he was last year, and we will have a new car so I can actually be home from work with both girls by 4 rather than 6 most nights because we're waiting on Nate to get out of work.

For work, I will be more organized again with my own classroom and I love my job for the great kids that I do teach. The ones that write "I'll miss you, Mrs Glenn" on the chalkboard when they leave. I love how excited they get about certain class discussions because I guess they see it as the one time it's okay for them to argue and verbally fight with one another, I love how their so tough adolescent male face lights up with pride when I tell them I selected their poem for the Top 20 poetry book I made. I love how after they've graduated they are so excited to see me at the gas station or store wherever. I have to focus on the good ones and the not so easy ones that for whatever reason respond positively to me. And somehow not let the ones that just don't and never will ruin my whole day or enjoyment for my career for that matter. I have to just accept that with two kids at home I will always be behind at work and people are always going to find things to criticize and I just need to let it go.

As for home. Throughout all the chaos I have never doubted that my kids feel loved. And I have always felt their love for me and Nate. They are going to grow and I can't stop the hands of time. I can just enjoy the ride and watch the stories unfold. They're a little crazy (they must take after their parents) but I'm confident they're good girls. And even though time slows down a little when I'm at home and as much as I love them, I'm too much of a busy, go go person to be a content stay at home mom. I'm still convinced part time would be the best of both worlds (and if my plan works maybe after this school year I can do that for a few years). I am doing the best I can and it really is good enough for them.
After such a long superworking mom low this year I'm hoping it's time for the rollercoast to start  its way back to the top for this Fall.

Don't forget to check out the post on Superworkingmum

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